20 Best Quotes From The Santa Clause

The 1994 film The Santa Clause is the first in a trilogy of Christmas movies, following Scott Calvin, who inherits the title of Santa Claus after the former Santa falls off the roof and he puts on Santa’s clothes. His inheritance of the title is an accident because Calvin misses the clause stating that he agrees to become Santa upon putting on the clothes.

All of the movies are festive family comedies and led by comedian Tim Allen. The genre and the comedic talents of Allen and the other cast members make for some hilarious moments throughout the movies. Here are the funniest quotes from the original Santa Clause.

Updated on December 28th, 2021 by Mark Birrell: The most memorable Santa Clause quotes are often heard around the holidays because there’s something about the movie that taps into the Christmas spirit so perfectly. Whether they be from Tim Allen’s Scott Calvin or one of the many hilarious supporting characters, the film’s best lines still pack a festive punch.

Scott Spins An Elaborate Lie About Traffic

“And that’s not very ladylike!”

Scott is a pretty bad dad at the beginning of the movie and goes to some hilarious lengths in order to avoid his responsibilities as a parent.

Heading to be with his son on Christmas Eve after his office Christmas party, Scott makes up an excuse about bad traffic as he drives on the completely empty roads. He goes so far as to create a fictional motorist who, according to Scott, gets more than a little rude in their interactions with him.

Scott Has Trouble Adjusting To The North Pole

“Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?”

Scott is more than a little skeptical of the whole Santa arrangement going on at the North Pole when he arrives and, even after Bernard calmly explains everything to him in detail, the gravity of his situation hasn’t sunk in yet.

Still fully stuck in his sardonic ways, Scott downplays everything as he’s unaware of just how unavoidable his transformation into a jolly gift-giver is. But it results in one of his funniest lines.

Scott’s Sarcasm Knows No Bounds

“We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shotguns, field dressed a cat, looked for women… I read him a book!”

When called into his son’s school office to talk about their seemingly-unhealthy obsession with Santa and the North Pole, Scott is asked what he did with his son around Christmas that could have resulted in the extremely festive behavior.

Scott, still being far away from his warm Santa self seen at the end of the movie, responds to his mild interrogation with this great piece of sarcasm.

Scott Really Can’t Cook

“That is exactly why you want a high-quality fire extinguisher right in the kitchen.”

Scott doesn’t just come off as an emotionally neglectful father at the beginning of the story, but he also demonstrates that he can’t do simple things, like cooking a family dinner for just him and his son, with much care or finesse.

After passing over a table of burnt food, the camera shows that Scott has set the main course completely on fire and is fighting the blaze with a fire extinguisher. It leads to a funny line but also a sad last-minute meal with fellow in-over-their-heads dads at Denny’s.

Scott Makes Fun Of Neil’s Sweater

“Where are you gonna get more sweaters after the circus pulls out of town?”

Scott makes his dislike of his ex-wife’s partner, Neil, very well-known throughout a lot of the movie. He doesn’t like Neil’s personality or general approach and outlook towards things and after one of their many arguments about parenting, he goes straight for Neil’s fashion sense too.

Neil’s sweaters are pretty iconically ’90s and have stuck with fans over the years, making them feel nostalgic for the time period, but this burn is undeniably solid.

Scott Under Interrogation

“Topo Gigio.”

During Scott Calvin’s, now the fully-fledged Santa Claus, interrogation for the disappearance of his son Charlie, the detective asked him to say his old name, Scott Calvin, because he believes Calvin to be delusional. Instead of complying, Calvin says Kriss Kringle the first time he is asked. When asked a second time, he spouts off his name in other languages but ends with “Topo Gigio,” which is not a name for Santa but an old Italian puppet television show from the ’60s.

At this point, he was likely just saying these names to annoy the detective, which is hilarious. Also, the way he says “Topo Gigio” adds to the lovability of the quote.

Scott’s Seen Some Stuff

“It’s okay, I’m used to it. I lived through the ’60s.”

Scott makes this remark after he first puts the suit on and grabs Santa’s bag, causing him to float. He and his son Charlie are at first in shock at the magic unfolding but then Scott makes light of the situation by making this sarcastic remark.

Later in the film, Scott is revealed to be 38 years old, making him 37 a year earlier when he first puts on the suit. If the film took place around the year 1994, Scott would have been a child during the ’60s, making this remark nothing but a joke about the drug habits associated with the ’60s.

Scott’s First Time Flying With the Reindeer

“So, uh, if we go straight on this road do we hit I-94?”

Scott and Charlie accidentally make the reindeer take off from their roof while they are still in the sleigh. When they first take off, they fly only a couple of feet above the ground and pass a van driver making newspaper deliveries.

The driver takes notice of the flying reindeer, the sleigh they are pulling, and the sleigh’s passengers, and is too shocked to say anything. Instead of acknowledging the ridiculousness of their brief encounter, Scott starts to ask the driver for directions, even though he is likely familiar with the area but is cut off as the reindeer gain speed and the sleigh passes the van.

Safety First

“Don’t forget the fire extinguisher.”

Toward the beginning of the film, Scott puts Charlie to bed after reading him a story. Charlie asks Scott to put out milk and cookies for Santa, to which Scott replies that he’ll preheat the oven. Since Scott had burned a turkey in the oven earlier that night and used a fire extinguisher to put out the fire, Charlie tells him not to forget it.

The fact that Charlie, a young child, made such a sarcastic comment to his dad is hilarious. What makes it even funnier is that Scott cannot come up with a witty response and instead just tells Charlie “good night.”

Scott Can’t Play Nice With Neil

“Well, Neil’s head comes to a point.”

Though Scott’s frosty relationship with Neil thaws quite a bit by the end of the movie, and the two grow much closer in the sequels, he’s essentially hostile towards him for the bulk of the story.

This line comes early in the film and sets the tone for their interactions. Scott says it after finding out that Neil has played a part in trying to convince Charlie that Santa isn’t real and he eventually stops dancing around the insult and straight-up calls Neil a “pinhead” later on.

Scott’s First House Delivery As Santa

“You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house in my underwear!?”

Scott is a bit out of his element when he first takes on the role of Santa and the job catches him with his pants down in more ways than one. Though he has Santa’s jacket, Scott starts out the night without any pants.

Not only is Scott daunted by the idea of breaking into a stranger’s house through the chimney, his lack of pants understandably makes the whole ordeal even more uncomfortable for him. The fact that Scott is–in the beginning, at least–fully in touch with the absurdity of his situation makes the movie all the more accessible in the face of its fantastical premise.

Judy’s Not Interested

“Thanks, but I’m seeing someone in wrapping.”

Judy the Elf brings Scott some hot cocoa to drink before going to bed when he first arrives at the North Pole. She tells him that it took her 1,200 years to perfect her recipe, to which Scott replies that she looks good for her age. Judy tells him that she is seeing someone in wrapping. Scott, who probably did not intend for what he said to be a line, is caught off guard by this because she looks like a child.

What’s funny about the line is that Judy says it so matter-of-factly and that Scott likely was not aware of what he was implying and was just trying to make a bad joke.

Scott Tries To Explain Away Santa’s Reindeer By Saying They’re A Gift From The Cable Company

“We’re getting the Disney Channel now, Merry Christmas.”

While Charlie is up on the roof marveling at Santa’s sleigh and the reindeer, Scott is still in disbelief and trying to rationally explain why they’re there.

In a hilarious bit of corporate branding, Scott tries to convince Charlie that the reindeer are a gift from the cable company, saying that they’re now getting the Disney Channel.

Scott Sees A Fellow Single Dad In Distress

“Burn a turkey?”

After setting fire to their turkey, Scott decides to take Charlie to Denny’s for dinner, only to find several other struggling single parents who have evidently had the same idea.

Looking across the dining room to another lone father with a bandaged hand, Scott gives a knowing look of sympathy and says this side-splitting line. Parental struggles are a big part of The Santa Clause and sympathy for the problems that single parents can face runs throughout the entire movie.

It Turns Out Charlie Was Actually Right About The Night Before Christmas

“The Rose Suchak Ladder Company.”

When Scott reads Charlie A Visit from St. Nicholas (otherwise known as The Night Before Christmas), Charlie misunderstands an early part of the poem which reads “there arose such a clatter”, which he hears as “a Rose Suchak ladder”. It’s a cute moment but it becomes much funnier a few moments later.

While inspecting the ladder outside of their house when discovering Santa and his sleigh, Charlie notices that it was made by the “Rose Suchak Ladder Company”, bringing his fantasy to life in a confusing but funny moment.

Scott Is Half Right

“I believe in Santa Claus. I’m not a baby.”

Toward the beginning of the film, Charlie struggles with his belief in Santa, calling the belief babyish. Scott replies with the line that he believes in Santa and is not a baby because he wants to preserve his son’s childhood innocence. Laura, Charlie’s mom and Scott’s ex-wife, replies to Scott, saying, “Well…”

The line that Scott says is not funny by itself. The fact that Laura wants to contradict his statement that he is not a baby is what makes Scott’s line hilarious, especially after viewers watch Scott behave in ways that support Laura’s, and not Scott’s, opinion.

Scott On His Good Attorney

“Not as good as my wife’s, but let’s not open up that wound.”

Scott meets Bernard, the head elf, upon first arriving at the North Pole and thinks that Bernard wants to sue him for causing the former Santa to fall off his roof. Scott tells Bernard that he has a good attorney before adding that his wife has a better attorney. This side comment is about his and Laura’s divorce, in which she had the upper hand, apparently thanks to her attorney.

This line is funny because even though enough time for Laura to date and remarry has passed, Scott is still unhappy with the proceedings. Let’s face it, seeing a guy not getting his way is hilarious to watch.

Scott Finds Out That Neil Told Charlie There’s No Santa

“I think if we’re gonna destroy our son’s illusions, I should be a part of it.”

This line is a joke for all the parents out there. Scott says this to Laura because she and her new husband Neal took it upon themselves to tell Charlie that Santa does not exist. Scott wants to preserve Charlie’s childhood innocence, as mentioned before, and is disappointed that he was not clued in on such a big revelation for kids.

Parents especially will love this joke because they all had to make similar decisions involving Santa Claus and other fantastical beings such as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny and expose their children more to the real world in doing so.

Bernard Isn’t A Fan Of Breaks

“We don’t drink coffee.”

When Scott and Charlie first arrive at the North Pole, Scott tries to find out who is in charge, and he finds an elf who is not helpful and says that Scott is in charge. Bernard approaches Scott and the elf, asking if the elf is on a coffee break. The elf replies that they don’t drink coffee, and Bernard tells her that that means the break is over.

The whole exchange is hilarious because, in spite of the acknowledgment that elves do not drink coffee, Bernard maintains the coffee metaphor throughout the conversation.

A Young Girl Looks Out For Santa

“You said you were lactose intolerant.”

The next year, when Santa makes his runs again, he runs into a little girl named Sarah, whom he had met the year before. When he drinks the milk she sets out for him, he comments that it’s sour. The milk is revealed to be soy, which Sarah purposefully set out instead of cow milk, due to the fact that last year he had told her he was lactose intolerant.

The magic of Santa probably healed his lactose intolerance and gave him a taste for cow milk over soy. No matter what, though, his simultaneous disappointment and gratefulness at the fact that she remembered is hilarious.

About The Author