Big Mouth: The 10 Saddest Things About Coach Steve

The gym teacher of Bridgeton Middle School, Coach Steve, is a blissfully happy man without a single clue about how the world works. In fact, from his various encounters on Big Mouth, it’s astonishing that he’s managed to stay alive for longer than two minutes.

Coach Steve is not an evil person — with the exception of his Bad Mitten — but his utter lack of basic knowledge means that he puts himself in some rather sad situations. Of course, this only means that he isn’t affected by the consequences of his actions, as horrifying as they may be, which partly explains how he’s got through life thus far.

10 Illiterate School Teacher

Coach Steve technically doesn’t need to read in order to coach sports, but his complete inability to read or write is truly alarming.

In fact, it exposes some of the many faults of a system that expects teachers to overdeliver and accept being woefully underpaid for their extremely valuable service. In any case, his illiteracy is the least shocking thing about him.

9 No Long-Term Relationship With An Adult

Coach Steve refers to himself as a “man-baby,” as per medical diagnosis (in his words, of course), which means that he doesn’t have a single healthy relationship with one of his peers.

It’s more astounding that he’s well into middle age and is totally bereft of any kind of friendship or support system. In fact, Steve bonds more with Jay, another lost soul in the character list of the show, than he does with an adult person, which says more about his immaturity than anything else.

8 Terrible At Every Job He Does

After being fired from his coaching position, Steve tackles a number of random professions — a Walgreens “greeter,” a uniform shop mannequin, a DJ, a caterer, a DIY YouTuber, a gas station cashier, and a cab driver, to name a few.

He does end up getting his old position back, but everything he attempts in the meantime ends in an unspeakable disaster — in some cases, the reasons for his firing aren’t even revealed in the story. As odd as it might sound, gym teacher Coach Steve might be the safest version of all.

7 Lack Of Sexual Knowledge

Coach Steve’s lack of understanding about sex becomes apparent during his first class as the school’s sex-ed teacher.

He uses sexual terminology in the most childish ways, calling the male and female organs “peena” and “sweety”, respectively. If Coach Steve made an active decision to be celibate, that’s his decision and shouldn’t be judged. However, it seems like his lack of sexual experience stems from not knowing anything about the act itself. At least now he’s getting some amount of information from the students.

6 His Way Of Describing Sex

“Making thick in the warm” is probably one of the grossest, if not the grossest, quotes in Big Mouth — and that’s really saying something.

This character is certainly spectacular for all his idiosyncrasies, but it’s rather sad that this is how he perceives an experience that is core to humanity itself.

5 Everyone Is His “Best Friend”

It’s evident that Coach Steve cannot make friends very easily — if at all — leaving him with a severe need for attention. This forces him into scenarios in which he attaches himself to other people if they exhibit the smallest form of kindness towards him.

Steve’s “puppy love” is sweet, on the surface, but it belies a painful lack of childhood security or parental care.

4 Literally Lives On A Diaper Barge

When the cast of Queer Eye does a whole makeover episode for Coach Steve, his living situation — on a diaper barge, because apparently baby waste gets separated — is made clear to everyone.

How he gets to his workplace and back is unclear, because his home is always floating. Imagine having to live in one of the worst-smelling places in the world. Is it because Coach Steve is sorely underpaid? Does he choose to surround himself with fecal matter? The reasoning doesn’t matter; it’s just sad.

3 What Does He Even Eat?

Coach Steve’s diet remains a mystery since he has been shown to consume all sorts of offensive materials, from underwear to rocks to what he thinks is animal poop.

His health status is not in question here, but didn’t anyone ever show him how to make a basic meal plan? What about cooking for himself? Does he drink enough water? What’s worse is that in the episode “Am I Normal?,” Coach Steve consumes a ton of dairy products — seemingly dying and later returning to life on multiple occasions.

2 Birthday On 9/11

Of course Coach Steve was born on one of the darkest days in modern American history because the man just can’t seem to catch a break. He celebrates his birthday on the field trip to the NYC 9/11 museum, where Matthew decides to “prank” him by making him do ridiculous things.

It all gets too sad for the sassiest kid in the grade, and he throws an impromptu celebration for their coach on their bus ride back home. But Steve now has to live with the knowledge that so many innocent lives were lost on his birthday.

1 His Encounter With Mrs. Bilzerian

Coach Steve finally loses his virginity to Jay’s mom, Jenna Bilzerian, but this is far from being a triumph by any metric. Given his state of mind, it is irresponsible of her, at the very least, for indulging in sexual activity with him.

She’s using his “innocence” in order to get him to hook up with her while her husband’s away, a fact that has every likelihood of rearing its ugly head at some point during the future seasons. Who’s going to protect Coach Steve from a man whose backyard is filled with corpses?

About The Author

Ajay Aravind
(429 Articles Published)

In real life, Ajay disguises himself as an academic, mainly writing textbooks for children — who all hate him for making their lives more miserable. He also writes about TV and film, strewing his opinions across the internet to see if people care (they don’t). You can find him @stain_dprinc_ss on Twitter.

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