Futurama: 12 Best Zapp Brannigan Quotes

Out of all the crazy characters from Futurama, space general Zapp Brannigan may be the series’ most comical commander. Zapp is so fun to laugh at because he’s such a terrible person; he is arrogant through and through and builds himself up through lies and falsehoods. He is incompetent at his very important job, and he treats other people like garbage.

Zapp is probably the least intelligent character in the Futurama universe, something he continually fails to realize. This leads him to say a lot of hilariously stupid things. With characters like Zapp Brannigan, fans can all feel a little better about their own intelligence.

Updated on March 31, 2022 by Tanner Fox: With the recent news that the Futurama series will be revived for a reboot, fans are wondering how the show might compare to its original run and which character will take the spotlight. While it would be great to see fan-favorites like Fry, Leela, and Bender return, some want to see a new era focusing on previously-sidelined persons.

Zapp Brannigan’s braggadocious nature and over-the-top personality, as evidenced by these quotes, would make him an excellent subject to be featured in the next chapter of Futurama.

12 Fighting Words

“We Know Nothing About Them, Their Language, Their History, Or What They Look Like. But We Can Assume This. They Stand For Everything We Don’t Stand For. Also, They Told Me You Guys Look Like Dorks.”

Every great leader needs to motivate their troops before going into battle. They need to know what they are fighting for. Unfortunately, Zapp rarely knows what they’re fighting for, so he has to make it up. Without knowing anything about their enemy, Zapp needs to make some big assumptions and hope that his soldiers are extra sensitive about their appearances.

Of course, to Zapp, everyone below him is a dork. In fact, in his mind, he may be the only non-dork in the universe. There’s a good chance that any sentient form of life discovered by Zapp is comprised entirely of dorks.

11 Is That French?

“Cham-paggin?”

Zapp Brannigan is the most suave and alluring man in the galaxy—at least in his own head—and the unfortunate target for most of his advances is Leela. However, during a rare moment of weakness, Leela did get romantic with Zapp. It could have been his floating bed that convinced her, or maybe it was the velour bedsheets. But, the most likely reason was the way he pronounces “champagne.”

Who hasn’t tried and failed miserably to pronounce a French word that isn’t at all familiar to foreign tongues? The only problem is, even after he hears the correct pronunciation, Zapp still thinks he is correct. That, of course, is very in keeping with his character.

10 Tic-Tac-Toe Strategist

“Up Here In The Clouds, Our Technology Makes Us Invincible, Like The Mighty ‘X’ In Tic-Tac-Toe.

Zapp Brannigan is many things, but few would describe him as a master strategist. Often vastly underestimating his enemies and wildly overemphasizing whatever positives he believes he brings to his team, Zapp’s critical thinking abilities in times of crisis are nothing short of terrible.

Just as he believes the X to somehow be invulnerable in the game of tic-tac-toe, he believes himself to be impervious to all damage. Even those this line of thinking has repeatedly been proven false, he clings to it. He also seems like the sort to write an X over someone’s O and then claim himself the winner.

9 All In The Family

“The Way To A Woman’s Bed Is Through Her Parents. Have Sex With Them, And You’re In.”

Part of what makes Zapp’s quotes so great is that he’s often so close to saying something intelligent—or at least something that isn’t completely stupid—before he screws it all up at the end. This is especially true with the unwanted advice he constantly gives his right-hand man, Kif.

As Kif is trying to build a relationship with Amy, Zapp takes it upon himself to share his own courting secrets. Worst of all, this is definitely something Zapp has tried himself.

8 If You Can’t Beat ‘Em…

“I Surrender And Volunteer For Treason.”

Though he positions himself as the greatest and bravest military commander in the galaxy, Zapp Brannigan is far from either. He is, in fact, a coward who, more often than not, jeopardizes the mission with his incompetence. It’s unfortunate for those in his command, but it’s always fun to watch.

When he is met with the slightest indication of defeat, Zapp wastes no time in saving his own skin. In a way, the speed at which he switches from leader to total sell-out is almost impressive.

7 Take-Out Food

“She’s Built Like A Steakhouse, But She Handles Like A Bistro!”

Some of the situations Zapp gets in are so bizarre that they’re hard to explain, and these situations are usually always dangerous, and even more frequently his own fault.

After an awful double-date on a restaurant/spaceship, Zapp tries to impress the crowd by captaining the vessel. His description of the ship is a laugh-out-loud moment because of its absurdity. It makes no sense, and that’s what makes it so funny. Of course, it is possible this is not the first restaurant he’s flown, and it’s certainly not the first nonsensical comparison he’s made.

6 Intergalactic Man Of Mystery

“I Am A Man With No Name. Zapp Brannigan, At Your Service.”

Sometimes, Zapp Brannigan just seems like he’s regurgitating “cool guy” lines he’s heard before without thinking about the logic behind what he’s saying—if there is any at all. He likes to present himself in a certain impressive light, even if he contradicts it in the very next moment.

He is even incapable of introducing himself in a normal way. He wants to be the mysterious spaceman but is also too in love with himself to not let everyone know who he is. One cannot be both a boisterous hero and a mysterious stud, but Zapp really isn’t either of those things.

5 Good Advice

“Stop Exploding, You Cowards!”

Zapp’s military commands are often simplistic to the point of being idiotic, and, in this instance, he outdoes himself. With his fleet dropping like flies thanks to his poor planning, he gives this very straightforward order for them to stop getting killed.

It’s funny that, in the moment of defeat, Zapp, like most poor leaders, will blame anyone but himself—even those who are dying. Really, Zapp’s underdeveloped planning abilities have probably gotten a lot of people killed, though he never seems to be made to answer for his actions.

4 Too Much Snu-Snu

“The Spirit Is Willing, But The Flesh Is Spongy And Bruised.”

After getting stranded on a strange planet inhabited by Amazonian women, Zapp and Phillip Fry are sentenced to death by the natives. The method of execution, however, is called “snu-snu,” which basically means they’ll be sexed to death.

For a man like Brannigan, this is the ideal way to go. However, the women prove to be too much for him. This leads to the rather graphic plea for mercy. It’s also been lifted from a verse in the Bible, though Zapp probably doesn’t know that.

3 Bold Strategy

“My Instinct Is To Hide In The Barrel, Like The Wily Fish.”

With all the military action he has seen and the little brains he has, it’s a wonder how Zapp has managed to survive this long. Here again, fans see his unique military mind at work.

Part of the fun of Zapp Brannigan is in testing the boundaries of his ineptitude. It’s almost as if his mind goes immediately to the objectively worst thing he could possibly think of. Only he would construe a metaphor for idiocy as a compliment or a piece of advice.

2 Master Navigator

“That’s For School Girls. Now, Here’s A Route With Some Chest Hair.”

Easily one of the most memorable things Zapp Brannigan has ever said, desperate to liven up an otherwise leisurely cruise, he suggests that his ship deviant from the travel agency-assigned route and take a dangerous, vastly elongated path through a swarm of comets—or, as he calls them, “the icebergs of the sky.”

This serves as a classic showing of Brannigan’s ridiculous bravado. Eager to put anyone’s life in danger just so he can all the shots, it’s an absolute wonder that anyone would be willing to get on a ship that he’s piloting.

1 Mixed Metaphors

“If We Hit That Bullseye, The Rest of The Dominoes Will Fall Like A House Of Cards. Checkmate.”

There are few things as funny as someone who is extremely confident while also being extremely wrong. Even in his most pompous moments, Zapp does not miss an opportunity to prove to everyone that he is the dumbest man in the room. The writers of Futurama must have had a ball writing for this character.

In this instance, Zapp had likely heard those around him speaking in metaphor, and he made an attempt at it in a terribly mishandled show of smarts. What comes of playing dominoes, cards, and chess all at once? A confused mess, much like Zapp himself.

About The Author

Colin McCormick
(2026 Articles Published)

Colin McCormick is a Senior Writer with Screen Rant and has been a proud member of the team since 2019. In addition to his work as Screen Rant, Colin is also a writer of News, Feature and Review pieces at Game Rant. Colin has had a long passion and obsession with movies going back to the first time he saw The Lion King in theaters. Along with movies, Colin stays up-to-date on the latest must-see TV shows. While he loves to find interesting projects in any kind of genre, he has a special movie of crime stories that are infused with a little dark humor much like the work of his favorite author, Elmore Leonard.

More From Colin McCormick