How I Met Your Mother: Barney’s 5 Best Nicknames (& 5 Worst)

Suits aren’t the only thing that Barnabus “Barney” Stinson loves. He loves nicknames too. The breakout character’s list of nicknames can fill an ancient scroll but he has competition from other members of the gang. Ted has gone by names such as Emsbry Postlethwaite and El Ganso Con la Riñonera while Marshall has been Beercules and Fudge Supreme.

Barney hasn’t been too happy with some of the names that some of his friends have given him but they’ve stuck anyway. And since Barney loves Barney, he’s made sure to give himself a couple of alternative names as well. A good number of them have failed to impress whoever they were revealed to.

10 Best: Diaper Man

Barney and Tracy aka The Mother have a chat outside a drugstore in Season 9’s “Platonish.” As the two discuss Barney’s failed relationship with Robin, she notices that he is regretful about not doing more to make it work.

When Barney boasts that he can get Robin back in 20 minutes, The Mother gives him a dressing down. She tells him to stop being a baby, mature up and do the right thing to get back the love of his life. She also gives him the new nickname above. With this name, The Mother refers to Barney’s immaturity. Barney’s immaturity has been constant and the name Diaper Man suits him perfectly.

9 Worst: Jack Package

In the first season, Robin and Barney sign up for a matchmaking service called Love Solutions but Ted is reluctant. The two thus trick him into signing up for the service. Ellen Pierce, the owner of Love Solutions, doesn’t like the fact that Barney has signed up for the service. She thinks that his intentions are insincere.

On the platform, he states that his nickname is Jack Package, meaning he has a big penis. Ellen lambasts Barney but praises Ted for being sincere. Well, going by the name Jack Package might get you flings but it’s unlikely to help you find love. Luckily, Barney isn’t looking for love. Ellen didn’t like the name and neither does anyone else.

8 Best: The Commodore

In Season 2’s “Moving Day,” Ted decides to move in with Robin. Lily and Marshall are glad because they’ll be free to have sex on the couch, something they weren’t able to do often when Ted was around. Barney isn’t too sure that Ted is doing the right thing, so he hides his moving truck.

When Barney tells Ted he looks like Ellen Degeneres for wearing a suit with sneakers, Ted complains that his other shoes are in the truck. He refers to Barney using his real name but Barney insists to be called The Commodore because he now has power over him. A senior naval rank? It’s definitely a creative name choice.

7 Worst: Kristoff Doppelgänger

Kristoff Doppelgänger is a street performer from Estonia who the gang believes resembles Barney. The street performer claims he doesn’t know Barney and isn’t related to him. It later turns out that Kristoff is actually Barney. He uses this disguise to persuade Lily and Marshall to have a baby. His disguise is discovered when a real female street performer from Estonia sees him.

Barney definitely had it coming. He could never live up to this moniker forever. Barney was even surprised when the real performer swallowed a sword, something he could never do.

6 Best: Swarhili

In Season 2’s “Swarley,” the gang pass by a coffee shop. There, the waitress Chloe draws a heart on Marshall’s cup. The gang concludes that she has a crush on him. They then realize that she has written something on everyone’s cup. On Barney’s cup, she writes “Swarley.” He can’t help but wonder how she came up with that name.

Barney asks the gang to never call him that name but they go ahead and do that for the rest of the episode. They even come up with variations of it, the best one being “Swarhili.” It sounds good to everyone else but not to Barney.

5 Worst: Barn Door

When Robin declares that she plans to move in with Don, both Barney and Ted realize that they are not over her. They thus make desperate attempts to win her back.

In a rather embarrassing pickup line for a seasoned seducer like Barney, he tells her: “Hey Robin, it’s Barn Door. Guess what, I’m open!” Barney can clearly do better than that. He has in fact done better than that in the past. In as much as Barn Door sounds a lot like Barney, there is nothing really interesting about it.

4 Best: Lorenzo Von Matterhorn

Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is one of the fake identities that Barney has on his playbook on how to pick up women. Using the nickname, Barney pretends to be a celebrity. He has even created a fake website for Lorenzo which he often asks girls to check out and see his accomplishments. As soon as they do that, they start to adore him.

Once again, it’s very creative of Barney to come with such a name as it’s one that isn’t heard of every day. The fact that he has gone as far as to create a website is shocking but commendable nevertheless.

3 Worst: Arnie Linson

Arnie is Barney’s nickname whenever he’s pretending to be a lawyer. He has used it to defend women who were scammed by a breast reduction doctor. The scammer was none other than him.

The name sounds a lot like his real name, so there isn’t much creativity behind it. Whoever knows his real name might easily link it to Arnie Linson. Barney even has a lawyer website: Linsonbreastlawsuit.com

2 Best: Mrs. Stinsfire

Mrs. Doubtfire was a universally loved character and Barney makes sure to draw inspiration from her. One of his nicknames when seducing college girls is Mrs. Stinsfire.

Whenever he uses the name, he pretends to be a house mother and seeks a job at a sorority. He then endears himself to the girls and recommends Barney Stinson as a perfect partner. Since the girls tend to listen to the house mother’s advice, the scheme always works. There is no trick Barney wouldn’t pull in his womanizing ways.

1 Worst: Luigi

Professor Lewis, Marshall’s law school tutor at Columbia University, is quite strict. Barney’s Italian nickname of Luigi doesn’t impress her one bit when he tries to seduce her. However, she warms up to him when he decides to use his real name.

The fact that the nickname didn’t impress Professor Lewis says a lot about it. It could have worked better if Barney had a strong Italian accent, which he doesn’t. He can be glad that his real name saved his seduction attempt.

About The Author

Philip Etemesi
(1215 Articles Published)

Philip Etemesi is an author, journalist, screenwriter and film critic based in Nairobi. Kenya. As a child, he preferred watching movies like The Goodfellas instead of Home Alone. His girlfriend constantly has to pull him from the front of the TV but he just keeps returning. Stubborn dude! An animal lover, Philip also has a pet giraffe called Refu.

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