John Mulaney: Now, We Don’t Have Time To Unpack All Of That (& 9 Other Hilarious Lines)

John Mulaney is hosting Saturday Night Live for his fourth time, and audiences are looking forward to his trademark deadpan delivery. During his last stint on the show, he made audiences laugh with bits like “Uncle Meme” and “Airport Sushi.”

Viewers are also looking forward to John’s own material that’s sure to be incorporated into the show. Mulaney wrote for SNL for four seasons, earning multiple Emmy nominations for his work, and has recounted some of those experiences along with many other funny moments in his life in his various comedy specials. Like John said, there’s no time to unpack them all, but here are 10 of some of his most hilarious lines.

10 “Now, We Don’t Have Time To Unpack All Of That”

When the SNL writer’s dad might or might not have given him a sex talk when John was 12, he informed his son that Leonard Bernstein “was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.”

Mulaney remarks, “Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that,” allowing the audience to share in his own disbelief regarding his father’s strange, possibly passive-aggressive remarks as he wonders how those “words of wisdom” might even apply to his life.

9 “He Ordered One Black Coffee For Himself And Kept Driving”

Mulaney’s lawyer parents are pure 1980s parents prior to the “everybody gets a trophy” generation, and his story about his father’s dry (or sadistic, to a kid) humor proves it. He mentions that during a car ride, the family saw a McDonald’s on the horizon, and like a lot of kids, they all got excited.

“We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.” Mulaney stresses that his dad ordered the one item a kid wouldn’t want, effectively annihilating his kids’ short-lived dreams.

8 “God, I Guess They’re Finally Going To Kill Us All”

Although Mulaney has chosen to not have kids himself, he relays the childhood experience so beautifully that he takes his audience back to their days of being a helpless, broke, and tiny humans whether they like it or not. When discussing the feeling of being called into a school assembly, Mulaney uses his child impersonating voice and guesses, “God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big a**holes.”

How many adults have nightmares about their time in school, after all? Mulaney channels that childhood fear and helps his audience laugh about it as they recall a similar feeling.

7 “Jesus Christ, You’re Never Going To Get That Best Buy Rewards Card!”

Mulaney jokes about how his wife, whom he obviously deeply admires, is much more confident than he is, and how she jokes that he acts like he’s trying to become the mayor of nothing as he tries to make everyone like him.

His most hilarious joke about this happens when he tells the Best Buy employee, “I wish!” when asked if he had a rewards card. When his wife scoffs, “Jesus Christ!” and walks away, Mulaney jokes that he hopes the employee believed him to be in an abusive relationship with “Little Miss Jesus Christ,” and when they argue, he says, “You’ll see! One day I’m going to leave you and I’m going to get that Best Buy Rewards card.” She’s responds, “Jesus Christ, you’re never going to get that Best Buy Rewards card!”

6 “Thirteen-Year-Olds Are The Meanest People In The World”

In New In Town, Mulaney once again nails his impression of children, from how his classmates thought he was Chinese as a child to how “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world,” and how they terrify him to this day. Mulaney said he avoids walking next to a group of 8th graders at all cost because they will immediately identify something you’re sensitive about and make fun of you for it in an accurate way.

He provides the hilarious and too familiar example of a teen mocking, “Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

5 “Let’s Not See Each Other For Eight Months And It Doesn’t Matter At All”

Like a lot of comedy sketches, not all of Mulaney’s lines age well. But lines like this one are absolutely on point and timeless. In his Kid Gorgeous Netflix special, Mulaney revealed, “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horses***. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.'”

Mulaney is considered one of the most positive, upbeat comedians whom most people can empathize with, and this joke only further emphasizes his relatability.

4 “We’re Like, ‘He’s Sick'”

Many actors have famous pets, and John Mulaney is no exception with his  “little monster” Petunia he loves very much. He frequently pokes fun at the dog, such as when he hires a dog psychologist who instructs him to pretend to eat before Petunia does to help correct her behavior.

He describes taking Petunia for a walk in a baby stroller with side-splitting humor. “My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French bulldog in a stroller… And people lean in to see the baby. And instead they see a gargoyle breathing like Chris Christie. Her paws are sweating. We’re like, ‘He’s sick.'”

3 “Because We’re Delta Airlines And Life Is A F****** Nightmare!”

Mulaney makes everyday occurrences much funnier with his casual exaggeration. After comparing a mariachi band to being attacked by a hit man, Mulaney later recounts his experiences flying.

He’s such a people pleaser who wants to be liked that he puts up with the airline giving him expired vouchers and generally treating him badly, but it’s his exaggeration that makes it so funny. Mulaney jokes that Delta tells him things like, “We took off while you were in the bathroom because we hate you!” and, “Nooooo! In fact, we’re gonna frame you for murder! And you’re gonna go to jail for 30 years! Because we’re Delta Airlines and life is a f****** nightmare!”

2 “Or Like When Someone Plays Too Many Scratchy Lotteries?”

In his New In Town special, Mulaney pokes fun at Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for a number of reasons, one of which is how surprised actor Ice-T, or Detective Tutuola on the show, is every time he deals with a new case. It’s as if he’s a rookie every episode.

Mulaney elucidates the point by mimicking how understanding dawns in Ice-T’s eyes when he makes a remark like, “Oh, I get it. You mean like when someone drinks too much, or snorts cocaine, or bets the house on the ponies?” He goes on with several hilarious examples, like, “Or like when someone plays too many scratchy lotteries?”

1 “Was There Ever Even A Ghost, Mother, Or Was The Dead Victorian Girl You Saw Just Me All Along?”

Mulaney has a beautiful skill of weaving his stories around the audience until they make a neat, tight bow, coming full circle. In Kid Gorgeous, Mulaney joked about his mother seeing a dead girl in the hallway of his childhood home and his father changing the subject so brusquely that he may as well have been a murder suspect.

Later in the special, Mulaney discusses the ridiculousness of wearing too-long shirts gifted by relatives as “sleep shirts,” something else the audience can relate to. He jokes that he’s Ebenezer Scrooge in the long shirt, quipping, “Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?”

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