Netflix’s Middleditch & Schwartz: 5 Funniest Lines From Thomas Middleditch (& 5 From Ben Schwartz)

This three-episode Netflix special sees two improvisational actors, Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz, do long-form improv in front of a live audience. Each episode starts with them getting an idea from the audience and then it slowly forms throughout the hour as the two switch characters and improv where the story goes.

It’s a fun, lighthearted, and at times hilarious mini-series that introduces long-form improv to a new audience that might have never seen a show. Here are some of the funniest lines throughout the three episodes from both Middleditch and Schwartz.

10 Middleditch: When I fall for a friend, I fall hard.

In the first episode, the guys are getting their setup from the audience and talk to a group about a wedding party full of odd ties.

There are friends of friends that met at music festivals and Walmart parking lots and one of the guys says that some of the outlier friends are in the wedding party. Middleditch responds that he gets it and when he falls for a friend he falls hard. It’s a funny response to an outrageous story.

9 Schwartz: Before we get to those vows, as per the doctrine, I must ask, does anybody have anything mean to say?

At the beginning of the first episode, Schwartz pauses for a minute when he forgets what happens at a wedding and hilariously describes it as the moment when someone has something mean to say instead of the moment when someone objects.

Both of them call back to this throughout the episode and Schwartz brings it full circle when asking as the ghost who marries the two if anyone officially has something mean to say.

8 Middleditch: Instead, I said, oopsie whoopsies.

Middleditch, as Short Paul from the wedding episode, weaves a tale about him and the bride to be when they were in 6th grade and were robbed by a clown after attending the Opera.

Middleditch’s character says that he had a moment to say the perfect thing but blew it and said this instead. The exact phrase changes throughout the episode, but the comedy behind it is just as strong.

7 Schwartz: It’s even darker that I was gonna drink Champagne at the toast.

In one of the many hilarious flubs when Middleditch and Schwartz forget aspects of their created characters, Middleditch is playing a groom telling his brother that he doesn’t want him as his best man.

He brings in the fact that he’s proud of his brother for being two months sober and breaks character, apologizing for the dark fact. Schwartz quips that it’s even darker since he had literally just described his best man speech that included chugging Champagne.

6 Middleditch: I almost don’t want to meet this guy…This is what’s behind my door of secrets, this f***ing guy.

In the second episode, Schwartz introduces a secret door and plays a character that screams gibberish when Middleditch opens the door.

He immediately closes it, but the character is still there and Middleditch breaks and admits that he doesn’t really want to meet whoever this character is, but Schwartz convinces him they can’t leave it alone now. Middleditch opens the door and Schwartz introduces the character as an alien who speaks gibberish and Middleditch refers to him as this f*cking guy.

5 Schwartz: Yeah right, tell me one joke.

As Mr. Times, who runs the New York Times, Schwartz says this line to Middleditch’s photographer character who is interviewing for a position.

Middleditch says that he’s actually a pretty funny person and wouldn’t mind taking on a comedic tone to his photography and Schwartz quickly responds with this line. It’s delivered in such a funny and quippy way that most can relate to when someone wants proof.

4 Middleditch: It’s a classic what the f*** plotline.

In the second episode, the setup includes that there might be aliens at the college town where the audience member goes to law school and it’s obvious that Schwartz is going to bring up this idea later in the episode.

When Jason the alien is introduced the plotline turns into they have to find a young boy for the alien to be friends with because it has been alone in a closet for so long, which Middleditch refers to as a classic what the f*ck plotline.

3 Schwartz: Keep up with the Times is my family. Keeping Up with the Times is my reality show.

Schwartz takes a second out of the plot to deliver this line after he says that his family has to keep up with the times as Mr. Times. He pauses, thinks of the play on words, and goes for it.

It’s a funny little moment that shows some quick-witted nature and cleverness as any successful improvisational actor should have.

2 Middleditch: Hey, don’t look at me, I own a cat farm. I’m a simple cat farmer.

Middleditch wonders if his sketch comedy show creator hits a little too close to home and wants to add something outrageous about the character to differentiate him.

Schwartz says that maybe the guy has webbed feet, but Middleditch takes it further and says the guy owns a cat farm and keeps building on the fact with this hilariously random line.

1 Schwartz: I do think if I had slippery enough shoes and you took me to one part I could slide all the way to the end.

Schwartz says that there’s only one sun, which prompts Middleditch to ask if he’s a Flat Earther, and this line is Schwartz’s response.

It seems out of character and more a quip of his own, which makes Middleditch break character, laughing, and needing to scream at him to ask what in the world he means by this. He does explain himself, but it’s still an outrageous claim that he laughs through and one of the funniest lines of the improvised special.

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