Parks And Recreation: 10 Most Hilarious Andy Dwyer Quotes

Parks and Recreation is largely the story of one woman’s grit and determination to make the world a better place, but the supporting cast of Leslie’s team is definitely what makes it one of the most entertaining shows ever written. Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, and the rest of the gang have brought many a laugh and a tear to our eyes, but it’s Chris Pratt as Andy Dwyer, the lovable goofball who sucks at adulting, who may have made us laugh the hardest.

Andy’s ridiculous antics, from getting his hand stuck in the marshmallow fluff to his many times falling and breaking things, are definitely hilarious, but often it’s the snort-worthy things he says that really make us laugh out loud.

10 “This Counts As One”

When Leslie went to the pharmacy for some medicine and ended up buying the pregnancy test that would change her and Ben’s lives forever, Andy accompanied her, completely oblivious to what she was facing. His mind was only on one thing, as it often was: candy. Literally acting like a kid in the candy shop, Andy told Leslie, “I guess while you get your medicine I’ll just stroll through the candy aisle but I won’t get any.”

When Leslie exasperatedly tells him he can get two candies, he joyously exclaims, “TWO!” before running off to find them. He returns with a jar of gummy bears bigger than his head, saying, “This counts as one.”

9 “I’m Not Crying, I’m Allergic To Jerks”

The reason Andy Dwyer’s ridiculousness works so well for a grown adult is that he’s also the most endearing, sweet guy on the show. When he tries to play bad cop, acting as Agent Burt Macklin of the FBI after Greg Pikitis trashes the Parks & Rec department on Halloween, his tough guy facade is nothing next to the cruelty of an average bully.

After just a few minutes of Pikitis’s smarmy retorts, Andy starts crying during his own interrogation. In response to being called out, Andy replies, “I’m not crying, I’m just allergic to jerks!” It’s sweet and funny and sad all at once.

8 “I’m Allergic To Sushi”

Speaking of allergies, Andy doesn’t seem to understand how they work. When the gang is trying to select a restaurant together and Donna suggests sushi, Andy responds, “I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than eighty sushis, I barf.” Completely ignoring how adorable and hilarious it is to say “eighty sushis,” Andy has just proven that he’s not allergic, he just doesn’t know when to stop eating before making himself sick.

This is so funny not only because we can definitely picture Andy eating eighty pieces of sushi, but because it begs the question: just how much does he eat anywhere else without barfing?

7 “I Tried To Make Ramen In The Coffee Pot And I Broke Everything”

When Leslie brags about how competent her team is when she’s running for city council in season four’s “Comeback Kid,” Andy just has to burst the grand facade she’s trying to create by blurting out, “Leslie, I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.”

It’s not only funny because it sums up what Leslie’s campaign really will be like, but because it foreshadows a moment in Leslie’s future when her triplets do something similar. According to the sitter, Roz, the triplets flushed Ben’s ties down the toilet and pretty much broke everything in their house. Andy is almost Leslie and Ben’s trial run child.

6 “What’s 5,000 Times Better Than A Candle In The Wind?”

When Andy was tasked with writing a tribute song to Li’l Sebastian after the beloved miniature horse died, he wrote what was possibly the best original song ever used in a TV show, ever. If you don’t believe it, try listening to it and then getting it out of your head.

When Leslie asked for the song to be like Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind” but 5,000 times better, Andy literally took her request and wrote “5,000 Candles in the Wind.” It’s absolutely ridiculous and completely awesome at the same time, which pretty much sums up Andy Dwyer.

5 “When They Say 2% Milk, I Don’t Know What The Other 98% Is”

A show featuring Andy Dwyer listing all of his secrets, including the things he doesn’t understand, could be pretty popular. We already know how funny it is since he did this with Ron Swanson in season six’s “New Slogan” episode. The entire quote is a doozy, but it had us laugh-crying.

“I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn’t actually sell my last car; I just forgot where I parked it. I don’t know who Al Gore is, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don’t know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.”

4 “You Could Have Network Connectivity Problems”

When Leslie is sick with the flu during one of the best episodes of season three, “Flu Season,” Andy says, “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.” Obviously Andy has no idea how to search for symptoms on WebMD, let alone what the name of a browser is, but he sure does want to help!

Andy’s inability to reason is only excusable because he’s so loved by his team. It didn’t work for Ed, Jon Hamm’s character in the final season. The entire cast is hilarious, but Chris Pratt’s Andy Dwyer may be the funniest of them all.

3 “I Call It Andy’s Mouth Surprise”

While shopping with Chris, Andy reveals that his favorite food is a piece of Skittles candy pushed between two Starburst candies. When he asks Chris to guess what he calls it, Chris guesses, “Skittle Sandwich.” Andy replies, “That’s pretty good. No, I call it Andy’s Mouth Surprise. It’s nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.”

Like many of Andy’s best quotes, this mixes his goofiness to create the perfect storm that makes up Andy Dwyer, between his super sugary food choices, silly reasoning and the childish name he gave his “sandwich.”

2 “I Don’t Know Anything About Infant Care”

Andy’s concern over the age gap between April and himself was one of his most endearing moments. When he struggled with his feelings for the 21-year-old against his judgment, he said, “April is the best. But she’s 20. When April was born, I was already in the third grade, which means if we were friends back then, I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don’t know anything about infant care. My god, I could have killed her.”

This points at Andy’s reasoning skills, which take him into weird tangents, outrageous possibilities and fantasies combined with his favorite movie plots, and us into his creative and hilarious mind.

1 “The Bad Feelings Make Me Feel Sweaty”

When Andy gets stressed out, he takes off his shirt. Why? As he explains it, “When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me feel sweaty.” It’s such a little kid moment, one of many for Andy, and it’s so funny we almost cry laughing. The Parks & Rec writers always find a way to get Andy to take his clothes off for a spectacularly funny moment.

It’s also reminiscent of Napolean Dynamite, when Pedro cuts off all of his hair because he’s hot. It makes more sense for a teenager to do something so thoughtlessly, but Andy’s old enough to know not to take off his shirt in an office.

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