Parks & Recreation: 10 Funniest Ron Quotes

As the father figure to many on Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson is the go-to for sarcastic comments, unwavering beliefs, and even expert advice. His personality is unique and contradictory, being a libertarian who is a long-time government employee. He is unpleasant and antagonistic but will stop at nothing for the people he loves.

He is known for long-winded bits about the things he hates, his terrible taste in wives, and making fun of the people around him. With his strong personality and hatred for most things, Ron Swanson steals every scene he is in and made fans laugh for over 100 episodes.

On Friendship

“We still never talk sometimes.”

Ron finds himself in the middle of Andy and April’s lover’s quarrel. While April attempts to tell him about their struggles, Ron stops her because he has no interest in caring about people. He tells the camera about his best friend, a man he worked with for three years whose name he never learned. He fondly says that they still never talk sometimes.

While Ron’s stoicism is one of his worst traits on Parks and Recreation, he wouldn’t be himself if he was overly chummy. The clear joy in Ron’s eyes when discussing his best friend makes the quote extra funny. He gets so much happiness from a friend he never talks to, which is incredibly fitting for Ron and his general hatred of most people.

On Simplicity

“I’m a simple man. I like pretty dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

In a relationship Parks and Rec fans knew was doomed from the start, Ron is back together with Tammy. While showing off the framed stock photo of a woman with breakfast food that is hanging in his office, Ron gives this iconic and amusing line. He then says that he got the real thing this morning with Tammy.

Ron truly is a simple man and the stock photo he had framed in his office is a hilarious bit. The funny and relatable quote has become a fan favorite, with many memes and merchandise made with the saying. The line becomes even funnier as Ron and Tammy’s relationship develops and Ron completely loses his personality with Tammy’s obsessive behavior.

On Parties

“If there were more food and fewer people this would be a perfect party.”

Ron and some of the other Parks gang helped Tom move into his new commercial space and build it into a fully-functioning store. As a repayment, Tom selfishly gets them a single pizza to share while they stand around in a store without electricity. As the people-hater Ron is, he remarks that it is almost a perfect party.

If there are only two things Ron loves in the world, it is food and being by himself. Throughout the series, characters often give Ron the gift of being by himself for birthdays or celebrations. The quote is very fitting with Ron’s personality, while also giving Tom an insult for taking advantage of his coworkers and friends without giving them anything in return.

On Feelings

“I’d rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for 10 minutes.”

Leslie and Ron are fighting and Ben has locked the two in the Parks and Recreation office to work out their issues. Leslie is determined to discover why the two had a falling out and are no longer friends. In contrast, Ron would much rather sit in silence than discuss his feelings.

The quote is incredibly relatable and hilarious for all fans who despise talking about their feelings and would rather do anything else than have a heart-to-heart with someone. While the two eventually make up, in one of the sweetest friendship scenes on Parks and Recreation, it is not without the pain of Ron having to discuss his feelings.

On Vegetables

“You’ve accidentally given me the food my food eats.”

Ron, Chris, and Tom are helping Ben pick a caterer for his wedding. When the potential caterer gives Ron a plate of vegetables, Ron makes sure that they know his thoughts about it.

Ron is excellent at insults, and this is one of his many wonderful one-liners. Ron is nothing if not a carnivore and naturally cannot accept any vegetables. The quote is quick-witted and humorous and is something all vegetable-haters have thought in their lifetime.

On Ex-Wives

“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is…”

Despite Tammy and Ron having some of the best chemistry of the Parks and Recreation couples, Ron ends their complex relationship and he decides to burn an ex-wife effigy. He tells the camera that the key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and to throw a bottle of isopropyl alcohol at it from a distance.

Being the oddball and craftsman that Ron is, it is natural that he cannot end a relationship in a typical way and creates an entire effigy dedicated to the end of his marriage with Tammy. The scene is hilarious and is made even funnier by Ron’s descriptive process. It is clear he has burnt an ex-wife effigy more than once and is an expert at the process.

On Caring About Work

“I don’t want to seem over-dramatic but I don’t really care what happens here.”

Ron is never one to be overly dramatic or to show any emotion at all. But when he learns from Chris that he has not taken a management course that he was supposed to, Ron ensures that everyone knows his thoughts.

Ron truly could not care less about the work the Parks department does and believes that if the department gets nothing done, he is successful. It is comical to watch his hatred for the government and his job, in general, clash with passionate people like Chris and Leslie. It is an excellent one-liner and truly fitting for Ron’s laid-back attitude.

On Management

“If any of you need anything at all, too bad.”

Throughout the entire series, Ron’s management style could never be described as hands-on. Ron is also waiting for Tammy 1 to return to his life. He tells the Parks gang not to need anything and to deal with their own problems like adults.

Ron’s lax management style, especially when in contrast with Leslie’s hands-on methods, is a hilarious bit throughout the series. He wants his employees to get nothing done and does not want to help them in any way. As Ron says many times throughout the show, his ideal workplace is one where nothing gets done.

On People

“People are idiots, Leslie!”

After organizing a difficult photoshoot and picnic for the parks and recreation summer catalog, Leslie asks Ron a deep question: why would anyone eat anything other than breakfast food? Ron lovingly replies that people are idiots.

From his framed stock photo to ordering all the bacon and eggs a restaurant has, Ron is obsessed with breakfast food. Much of Ron and Leslie’s relationship is built on their mutual love of breakfast food. The line is not only a sweet moment between Ron and Leslie but also contains a Ron signature sarcastic insult and shows his hatred for people.

On America

“History began on July 4th, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.”

Some of the Parks gang are headed to London. When his new wife, Dianne, can’t make the trip, Ron goes along and takes photos of landmarks to show her. However, he makes sure to get no enjoyment from the international travel or the landmarks himself, because he is not in the best country in the world, America.

Ron’s hatred of anything that isn’t American is incredibly funny. He frowns his way through London, taking pictures of historical landmarks for his wife while discussing how terrible the country is in comparison to America. There are few things Ron loves, but American is one of them and he has no tolerance for anywhere else.