Seinfeld: J. Peterman’s 9 Best Quotes

Secondary characters in Seinfeld don’t get nearly enough credit for the contributions they made to the show’s long-running success. One of these characters is the eccentric oddball J. Peterman, the owner of a prestigious and pretentious company that sells clothing through a tangential catalog.

This Seinfeld fan-favorite character was loosely based on the real-life catalog magnate of John Peterman, who was good enough to let Seinfeld run with the idea (as reported by The Harvard Business Review). In the sitcom, Peterman is best known for his hilariously weird quotes and one-liners that signify what an odd individual he really is — especially when he starts telling stories about his life adventures.

9 “Then In The Distance, I Heard The Bulls. I Began Running As Fast As I Could. Fortunately, I Was Wearing My Italian Cap Toe Oxfords.”

Though Peterman is based on John Peterman, in actuality, Donald Staley wrote many of the descriptions the catalog became famous for. However, in Seinfeld, Peterman wrote these descriptions himself, though later got help from his employees.

The focus of Peterman’s eccentricities lied in how his personal adventures would crisscross with his own products. He hilariously recounted a harrowing tale of life or death and the item that turned the tide — his stylish Italian cap toe Oxford shoes.

8 “You’re An Errand Girl Sent By Grocery Clerks To Collect A Bill!”

Season 8 featured Peterman in one of his best Seinfeld episodes, burnt out from his job and unable to focus on running the company. He decided to leave Elaine in charge while he fled to the jungles of Burma, finally settling down as a “white poet warlord” in an obscure village. To save her job after abusing company money to purchase a ridiculously priced hat, Elaine ventured to Burma to try and get Peterman to sign off on the bill.

A young boy led Elaine into a dimly lit cave where Peterman huddled in a corner, and he asked whether she was an assassin sent to kill him. Clearly, Peterman was not over his burnout.

7 “Oh Damn, They Changed The Cable Stations Again, Just When I Finally Memorized Them!”

Elaine was surprised when she showed up at one of J. Peterman’s homes, as it was a small apartment that looked like something out of a frat house. She was to ghostwrite his autobiography, which seemed an easy enough task given his penchant for accentuating various life adventures and journeys around the world.

It didn’t exactly turn out that way, especially when Peterman revealed that he didn’t want to put any of those stories in the book. With nothing glamorous (or embellished) to fall back on, Elaine was forced to sit there while Peterman lamented the fact that the cable stations had changed, and he’d have to memorize them all over again.

6 “I Too Once Fell Under The Spell Of Opium. It Was 1979. I Was Traveling The Yangtze In Search Of A Mongolian Horsehair Vest!”

Peterman seemed to be quite the drug enthusiast, at least in the past. He traveled the world in search of exotic new items of clothing to sell in his catalog but he ended up getting into plenty of misadventures along the way.

Once again, Peterman injected his pursuit of retail items with his various excursions, one of which seemed to be partaking in opium while traversing the Yangtze River in China. Peterman seemed a scholarly and worldly guy, but his life choices were likely a little riskier than the average catalog man’s.

5 “I Never Knew Kennedy Had Such A Temper!”

Ever the sucker for big names, Peterman couldn’t resist sending Elaine to bid on a pair of golf clubs once owned by JFK. Desperate to outbid her wealthy social nemesis, Sue Ellen Mischke, Elaine ended up winning the clubs at double the cost authorized by Peterman.

Shocked but not angry, Peterman demanded to see the clubs, which were in the back of Jerry’s car, which in turn had been stolen by his mechanic. The mechanic threw the club out of the back of the car in an attempt to stifle a pursuit by Kramer and Newman, damaging them all. When Elaine finally gave the broken and twisted clubs to Peterman, he responded in surprise, thinking JFK was the one to cause the destruction.

4 “Oh, Elaine! This Dry Air Is Curing Me Like A Black Forest Ham!” (The Money – Season 8)

Peterman’s comment about the dry is air is one of his funniest, particularly due to the circumstances behind it. It occurred when Peterman suddenly returned to his company in New York and picked up where he left off. Suddenly, Elaine was no longer in charge, and back to her old salary… with no stock options. It truly was one of the worst jobs in the entire Seinfeld series.

After spending a lengthy amount of time in the sweltering Burmese jungle, Peterman was glad to be back in New York, where the dry air was “curing him like a black forest ham.” A colorful description, and typical J. Peterman.

3 “Elaine, I Hope You’re Watching The Clothes Because I Can’t Take My Eyes Off The Passion!” (The English Patient – Season 8)

Clearly, Elaine and Peterman didn’t share the same taste in film, and it came to the breaking point when he dragged her off to see The English Patient, a movie she absolutely loathed. In the theater, Elaine did her best to deal with her boredom while Peterman remained riveted to the screen.

It was clearly a torturous experience for Elaine, who held her head in her hands while Peterman was just giddy over what he was seeing onscreen. Their reactions to the film were dynamic polar opposites of one another, but the true comedy lies in how Peterman insisted she keep an eye on the clothes.

2 “Elaine, Do You Have Any Idea What Happens To A Butter-Based Frosting After Sitting 60 Years In A Poorly Ventilated English Basement?”

“The Frogger” was one of Seinfeld’s saddest episodes, even though it featured some funny quotes. When Peterman purchased an ages-old cake served at King Edward VII’s wedding for $29,000 dollars, it was a safe bet that he wanted it left untouched. Unfortunately, Elaine stumbled upon it in his refrigerator and couldn’t resist taking a bite. She didn’t stop there, either.

Allured by the romanticism of the cake and the event it was served at, she kept carving and eating pieces of it, then tried replacing it with a cheap knockoff. After catching Elaine eating the cake on his surveillance camera, he let her know about the horrors yet to come.

1 “Some Charlatan Has Stolen A Ziggy And Passed It Off As His Own And I Can Prove It! Quick, Elaine! To My Archives!”

Elaine was none too impressed by The New Yorker‘s cartoons, believing that they were no longer funny. She decided to do something about it and sketched out a cartoon of her own, which ended up making its way into the magazine as a feature.

Nobody got the joke, except for J. Peterman, who laughed heartily at the wit. However, his jolliness soon turned to anger when he concluded that the creator had ripped off a Ziggy cartoon. He dropped this quote to a panicked Elaine, before ordering her to scour his archives for the matching ‘toon.

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