Seinfeld: The 15 Funniest George Costanza Quotes

Who would have thought that a “short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man” would become one of the funniest sitcom icons in TV history? Jason Alexander was robbed of an Emmy win multiple times while spending nine years playing Jerry Seinfeld’s neurotic best friend George Costanza, a character known for his horrible bad luck and questionable life decisions. Fan adoration and massive critical acclaim continue to give credit where credit is due, however.

Entertainment Weekly named George Costanza the third-best sidekick ever. TV Guide named him the 10th greatest television character of all time. Ricky Gervais called him “arguably the greatest sitcom character of all time.” It could have something to do with a hilarious writing team that gave the character so many wonderful quotes throughout the years. This list has been updated to showcase fifteen of the most iconic throughout Seinfeld’s amazing nine-year run.

Updated on January 10th, 2021 by Derek Draven: As mentioned above, we’ve decided to add a few more quotes to this list for a grand total of 15. Each one showcases the mixture of writing and acting talent that helped bring George Costanza to life. Some of these quotes took place in the moment, while others have links to the cultural and social lexicon. Seinfeld continues to run in heavy repeat syndication across multiple networks, giving existing audiences and new generations of viewers the chance to laugh along at the hilarious misfortunes of one of comedy’s most lively and energetic characters. Behold, the Lord of the Idiots in all his majesty.

15 “Squirrel? Well, We Have No Deal With Them!”

George had been living by an unwritten code forged between New Yorkers, and the pigeons that dwelt within. Pigeons got out of the way of cars, and New Yorkers looked the other way on the statue defecations. Imagine his surprise when a group of pigeons refused to get out of the way, causing George to run them all over.

Already in the doghouse with his girlfriend because of the incident, George took it upon himself to purposely swerve out of the way of a pigeon when they next rode together. Unfortunately, he failed to spot a nearby squirrel which he ran over instead.

14 “You Should’ve Seen The Look On Her Face! It Was The Same Look My Father Gave Me When I Told Him I Wanted To Be A Ventriloquist!”

Desperate to impress a very intellectual woman, George asked Elaine to take his I.Q. test for him so he could fake a good result. Unfortunately, a series of mishaps caused Elaine to mess the test up and cause his score to plummet to an unimaginable 85.

George came back to Jerry’s place to confront Elaine on the disaster, uttering this hilarious quote that left audiences in stitches at the mental pictures. Luck, it seems, was never on George’s side to begin with.

13 “Oh Noooooo! I’m So Sorry, It’s The MOOPS! The Correct Answer Is ‘The Moops.'”

This quote comes courtesy of what some believe to be one of the show’s most overrated episodes. George and Susan found themselves on the doorstep of a beloved young man known affectionately as “the Bubble Boy” by the local community, due to his need to stay in a protective bubble at all times. Unfortunately, the Bubble Boy was a complete jerk, and both he and George were like oil and water.

After sitting down to play an unfriendly game of trivial pursuit, George became irate that he was losing. A chance moment to get revenge came when George pulled a card asking who invaded Spain during the 8th century. The Bubble Boy correctly answered “the Moors,” but George was all-too-happy to take advantage of a misprint on the card which read “Moops,” instead.

12 “You’re Giving ME The ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’ Routine? I INVENTED ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’!”

George was such a loser that he actually took pride in being dumped. An example occurred when his frustrated girlfriend broke up with him by giving him the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line. So insulted was George that he came down hard on her for daring to use an excuse he himself had used so many times before.

Unwilling to be lied to, George insisted that it wasn’t in fact her but himself who was the problem. When she finally acknowledged that it was, in fact, George, he replied “You’re damn right it’s me!”

11 “I’m Disturbed, I’m Depressed, I’m Inadequate – I’ve Got It All!”

George Costanza has gone to great lengths on many occasions to convince women that he’s a normal, well-adjusted guy in order to get dates, but the one time he actually managed it, she turned out to be more interested in the kind of depressed loser that he actually was in his everyday life.

Realizing that Jerry’s fun-loving comedy persona was a major hit with the ladies, George forced him to act like a depressed killjoy in order to make himself look better. The plan backfired when George’s date found herself incredibly attracted to Jerry’s dark and disturbed faux persona. Panicking, George shouted this quote in a desperate attempt to convince her that he was actually the disturbed and depressed one.

10 “Oh, No, Thanks. I Can’t Drink Coffee Late At Night. It Keeps Me Up.”

The season 2 episode “The Phone Message” found an angry George leaving a series of irate messages on a woman’s answering machine after she stopped returning his calls. Unfortunately, he failed to realize she was on vacation at the time. His next plan is to erase the tape before she gets a chance to hear it, to hilarious effect.

It all started when she invited George up for coffee, to which he replied with this quote. It didn’t take long for him to realize his mistake. “She invites me up at twelve o’clock at night, for coffee, and I don’t go up. ‘No, thank you. I don’t want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.’ I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.”

9 “We Have Watched You Take Our Beloved Yankees And Reduce Them To A Laughing Stock!”

In the hilarious and iconic episode “The Opposite,” George decides to do the opposite of every one of his natural bumbling instincts. When he interviews for a job at the Yankees and meets George Steinbrenner, he launches into a rant that would normally tank anyone else’s employment chances. George pulls no punches as he tells Steinbrenner exactly what’s on his mind.

Evidently, the opposite move turned out to the be right one after Steinbrenner replied “Hire this man!” It was yet another goal for George’s win streak up to that point. What a shame it wouldn’t last long before he went back to his old neurotic self.

8 “I Know I’m Not Cartwright!”

The network executives initially weren’t sure about season 2’s “The Chinese Restaurant” episode, but it would later become one of Seinfeld’s most memorable. Sure, it’s just about the characters waiting for a table in a restaurant, but that’s par for the course on a show about nothing. While waiting for a phone call from a woman, the waiter at the restaurant informs him that she had called and asked for “Costanza,” but he replied “Cartwright” instead.

What follows is a hilarious exchange between George and Jerry talking about the waiter who answered the phone and called out the name Cartwright. Jerry asks, “Who’s Cartwright?” George says, “I’m Cartwright.” Jerry says, “You’re not Cartwright.” Finally, George cries out, “I know I’m not Cartwright!” in true Abbott and Costello fashion.

7 “Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?”

In the episode “The Red Dot,” George a job at the same office Elaine works at. Within a few days, he decides to have sex with the cleaning woman on top of his own desk in one of the show’s most questionable dating choices. A series of unfortunate events leads her to spill the beans to George’s new boss, Mr. Lippman.

Realizing he’s about to be fired, George goes for broke with this quote before adding, “I tell ya, I gotta’ plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here, that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know…‘cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time!” What comes next is no surprise.

6 “It’s Not A Lie If You Believe It.”

George Costanza is a master fibber, but he finds it difficult to keep up and choreograph his deceits when other people are involved. For example, Susan ends up thinking George is having an affair because Elaine couldn’t get the lie about what they were actually doing straight.

When Jerry took a lie detector test after his policewoman girlfriend refused to believe he’d never seen an episode of Melrose Place, George realized he couldn’t teach him how to lie. He did, however, offer him one fantastically immoral snippet of wisdom: “It’s not a lie if you believe it!”

5 “The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends! Like An Old Man Trying To Send Back Soup In A Deli!”

The whole monologue at the end of “The Marine Biologist” is a classic moment that is delivered brilliantly by Jason Alexander. It all starts when Jerry makes the hilarious mistake of conjuring up a fake story about George in order to impress an old school flame that involves him being (of all things) a Marine Biologist.

Naturally, George’s bad luck comes calling when they stumble across a crowd of people surrounding a beached whale. It’s up to “Marine Biologist” George Costanza to save the day. Although his would-be girlfriend tells him to “go to Hell” after learning about the lie, George was left with the mother of all fish stories to wow his friends with.

4 “Worlds Are Colliding!”

Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship can relate to George’s “Worlds are colliding!” theory. One’s circle of friends and partner seem completely separate, and if they’re together in the same room, it can be awkward. It really is like worlds are colliding – a perfectly apt metaphor.

It’s even worse if worlds are colliding in a good way, such as when Elaine and Susan become pals. If Susan joined George’s friendship group and started hanging around with Jerry and Elaine, “relationship George” would have had to merge with “independent George,” leading to the demise of the latter.

3 “But You Are, Blanche! You Are In The Shackles!”

In the episode “The Airport,” as George gets to the last magazine on the shelf before a convicted criminal (who is photographed on the cover), he channels Bette Davis in the movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. In the movie, there’s a moment where Blanche tells Jane, “You wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to me if I weren’t still in this chair,” and Jane gleefully replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in that chair!”

Similarly, the criminal tells George, “If I wasn’t in these shackles…” and George – in the same gleeful tone as Davis’ Jane – replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in the shackles!”

2 “Oh Yeah? Well, The Jerk Store Called. They’re Running Out Of YOU!”

Everyone can relate to George in the season 8 episode “The Comeback.” After being insulted by a co-worker for his ravenous devouring of all the shrimp in the meeting, he struggles to devise the perfect comeback for their next fateful encounter.

Eventually, he settles on “Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you!” Not only is it a weak comeback, but it’s pummeled into submission by his nemesis’ next reply which completely deflates what little impact it had to begin with, leaving George feeling more humiliated than ever.

1 “Please, A Little Respect, For I Am Costanza, Lord Of The Idiots.”

In an early episode of Seinfeld, George tries out a social experiment by wearing a wedding ring to see if it makes him more approachable to women. He ends up missing out on a friends-with-benefits situation, plus courtside seats to every sporting event at Madison Square Garden. Throughout the episode, Jerry and George have been arguing over who’s the bigger idiot.

This is one of the quotes that led Mike Costanza – Jerry Seinfeld’s old friend who the character was named after – to sue NBC and claim that his name had been slandered by being depicted as, among other things, the “lord of the idiots.” Ouch.

About The Author

Ben Sherlock
(3458 Articles Published)

Ben Sherlock is a writer, comedian, independent filmmaker, and Burt Reynolds enthusiast. He writes lists for Screen Rant and features and reviews for Game Rant. He’s currently in pre-production on his first feature (and has been for a while, because filmmaking is expensive). You can catch him performing standup at odd pubs around the UK that will give him stage time. Previously, he wrote for Taste of Cinema, Comic Book Resources, and BabbleTop.

More From Ben Sherlock