Spider-Man Actually Taught a Cosmic Being How to Use the Bathroom

Marvel’s Spider-Man is usually known as an everyman, tragic, “street-level” hero, but even he occasionally meets – and fights- skyscraper-sized monsters, aliens, and even immortal cosmic beings. As strong as he is, Peter Parker can’t realistically punch his way to victory in these battles, and he usually uses his wits to negotiate a peace between combatants instead. But in Secret Wars II, a being of nigh-infinite power came to Spider-Man with an important question: how does one use the bathroom?

The original Secret Wars was one of the first “event comics” in the history of the medium, including popular characters such as the X-Men, Captain America, Iron Man, the Hulk, and even villains like Molecule Man, Magneto and Doctor Doom. The characters were gathered together on a mysterious patchwork planet known as Battleworld by the enigmatic Beyonder, who wished to understand the concept of desire (prompting the famous quote “I am from beyond! Slay your enemies and all you desire shall be yours!”). Though Doctor Doom attempted to take the Beyonder’s power, the heroes banded together and everyone was sent back home to Earth.

The adventure continued in Secret Wars II, where the Beyonder arrives on Earth. He wishes to understand the notion of experiences, and meets various superheroes including Spider-Man. Peter realizes the Beyonder is asking the meaning of life and admits Reed Richards would be a far better person to ask than himself. When he offers his guest a drink, the Beyonder then asks if that would relieve a “…strange pressure – this fullness I feel in my lower abdomen?” Spider-Man realizes this all-powerful being – who might as well be a God – needs to go the bathroom.

Secret Wars II is not nearly as well-received as its predecessor for multiple reasons, but the first third of the narrative consists of scenes exactly like the one depicted above. The Beyonder asks Marvel heroes the reason behind everyday objects or occurrences, such as the need to wear clothes or going to the bathroom. Aside from merely retreading the cosmic-fish-out-of-water narrative, these sequences slow the pacing of the story down drastically. The Beyonder isn’t even a proper villain – though he causes quite a bit of trouble, he doesn’t wish to inflict pain upon others at all.

The Beyonder has made very few appearances outside of the Secret Wars narrative, and perhaps for good reason. A being so disconnected with the universe (the Beyonder even says that he was his own universe) is quite difficult to write, and even more difficult for a team of heroes to defeat. Nevertheless, Spider-Man’s experience of teaching a veritable God exactly what one does after one eats is a moment not soon forgotten.