Superstore: 10 Of Glenn’s Most Hilarious Quotes

Between his oddly high-pitched voice and expressive, caricaturish face, it’s impossible not to find Glenn Sturgis (Mark McKinney) on Superstore hilarious. Whether he makes accidental double entendres or doesn’t understand how clueless his good intentions are, the manager turned floor employee of Cloud 9 keeps fans in stitches.

No matter what his missteps, his employees and friends always know his heart is in the right place. Glenn may be a bit on the dim side but he’s the guy who’s always on a friend’s side. Here are 10 of his most hilarious quotes on the show.

10 “Balloons are like our souls…”

In the episode “Color Wars,” Glenn separates the Cloud 9 employees into different color teams and challenges them to make a certain amount in sales for a $100 bonus.

While planning a party with Dina, who voices her dislike of balloons, Glenn’s response is priceless: “Balloons are like our souls. They want to go up, but can’t, and when you pop them, they scream.” As usual, he finds a way to connect the most mundane thing to his Christian values. It’s a guaranteed way to drive Dina crazy.

9 “Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement…”

Glenn’s stories have a tendency to take a weird turn and this quote is no exception: “Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement, which, turns out, was just a front for a dogfighting ring.” It’s his matter-of-fact delivery of the line that makes for a good laugh straight from the gut.

His cautionary tales are so extraordinary that everyone around him can’t help but wonder how he stumbles on these moments. Worse still, he made this statement in response to what another Cloud 9 store secret shopper discovered.

8 “People assume all Christians are homophobes….”

This is a classic example of Glenn’s good intentions turning out completely clueless: “People assume all Christians are homophobes. You know that is ignorant. You can’t imagine how hard it is to be stereotyped.” Saying it to a gay couple in the store makes this statement hilarious.

Moreover, his complaint mirrors that of real-life people. When the privileged tell the marginalized they don’t understand how it feels to be discriminated against the irony is too good not to laugh at.

7 “For 59 years, the name Sturgis was synonymous with tools.”

When the gang is locked in the store overnight, Glenn talks about his family-owned hardware store that went out of business when Cloud 9 took over the market. But the unintended implication is that the Sturgis family is filled with idiots. In a way, his statement proves that but no one has the heart to tell him of his mistake.

He’s such a lovable buffoon that statements like these don’t do anyone other than himself harm. No one but Dina makes fun of his unintended self-deprecation.

6 “We all come down with a case of the crabs sometimes.”

Glenn is battling an internet troll who keeps making fun of him for being stupid. In a moment where he tries to convey that everyone gets crabby sometimes, he instead implies that everyone gets a case of an STD.

On the one hand, his friends and the show’s fans are insulted that some internet troll is bullying this sweet man. But on the other hand, everyone can see what the bully means. Still, it’s no reason to keep poking fun at how Glenn often misspeaks.

5 “God doesn’t make mistakes very often, but when he does, you have to throw them right in the trash.”

It’s not often Superstore fans see the religious manager criticize the big guy upstairs so this quote is particularly amusing. Especially as it is in response to Matteo’s use of a specific display decoration for Cloud 9’s Wedding Day Sale.

Such a strong reaction to a minor inconvenience can’t help but garner a chuckle. The chipper way he says it also makes for comedy gold as it shows that, even when he’s being critical, he is not trying to be mean. He simply understands that no one is infallible, not even his own God.

4 “Could it be a race riot? It’s so hard to tell in the early stages.”

On Jonah’s first day, he misuses the pricing gun and makes everything in the store a ridiculously low price. When the customers see everything drastically marked down they go insane and turn Cloud 9 into an episode of Supermarket Sweep.

Glenn and Amy are confused by the chaos and this is the goofy manager’s first thought. It paints a picture of how old and how privileged Glenn is to casually assume a race riot is starting in his store. How lightly he takes the possibility, in particular, makes for laughs.

3 “Hey, maybe that’s why iPhones never recognize my face as a face.”

When the Cloud 9 employee’s magazine comes to his store for a visit and refuses to use his face for the cover, Glenn has an identity crisis. He realizes that he lacks a certain pizzazz which leads to the conclusion that he’s so bland even his phone’s ID system won’t recognize him.

It’s a rare moment when the audience sees the usually cheery store manager in a slump. What makes the moment so funny is how relatable his realization is, as everyone’s felt invisible at some point in their lives.

2 “She doesn’t know the sex yet…”

In the first season when Cheyenne is unsure if she’s keeping her baby, Glenn offers to adopt it. In his phone call to his wife Jerusha (Kerri Kenney) he tells her, “She doesn’t know the sex yet, but she did have a dream where Channing Tatum told her it’s a boy.”

His earnestness and excitement at the possibility of adopting a baby don’t leave Glenn wondering at Cheyenne’s ridiculous statement. He’s so happy for the opportunity that he’ll even take the weird celebrity dream cameo as a good sign.

1 “Okay, I’m just gonna say it. I like her less than I like other people.”

When Dina catches a shoplifter, Glenn brings the woman in for questioning to his office. The problem is, he can’t prove she stole anything. The shoplifter is so incensed, she gives the manager an ultimatum: fire Dina or have her call corporate and complain.

As she storms out of the store, Glenn admits he does not like the woman. It’s one of the few times the audience sees someone get under his skin when he’s usually genial to everyone. But even his admittance of dislike comes off nicely.

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