That ’70s Show: Michael Kelso’s 10 Best Quotes

Out of all of the lovable characters in That ’70s Show, Michael Kelso steals the show with his comic relief and his faultless lack of common sense in any situation he is in. No matter where the gang goes and how much trouble they are in, fans can always count on Kelso to bring laughter to the audience to try and lighten the mood.

Although he was ignorant to many of his friends and cared mainly about his appearance, his thought process and things he decides to share out loud are some of the most humorous, iconic lines in the sitcom’s history.

10 “Well damn Jackie, that could be anybody!”

The early seasons found Kelso and Jackie butting heads over the silliest things, but this particular instance involved their status of going to the prom together.

Jackie hints at how she is helping Donna get ready for the prom with Eric, in which Kelso replies he is going with Pam Macy. To his surprise, Jackie says she also has a date who is “better than him in every way,” which brings out Kelso’s jealous and self-loathing sides of his personality.

9 “Jackie, if I were lying, I’d come up with a better lie than that.”

Although Kelso is known for being with Jackie, he also had a thing for Eric’s sister Laurie, who he ends up getting involved with during season 2.

While getting ready to move out of the Forman house, Laurie throws Kelso’s T-shirt at him in front of Hyde and Jackie saying she found it in her room. Kelso recites this line when questioned about the shirt by a suspicious Jackie, showing how Kelso is not very quick on his feet when it comes to lying.

8 “You know guys, I’ve been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school! Studying, reading, homework- well that’s over! Thanks, Hyde!”

In a flashback to the gang’s first time participating in a circle, a kid Kelso shares this line with his friends while wearing appropriately awkward headgear. He gets excited over the fact that Hyde was able to steal his mom’s stash of marijuana for them to try and continues to do his famous laugh.

This moment shows a piece of time where Kelso was a studious individual who cared about his grades before he became a ladies man obsessed with how he looks.

7 “I’m saying that we’re not right for each other because you make me feel bad!”

Even though Kelso and Jackie were very up and down throughout their relationship, this quote was a moment where the audience saw Kelso’s serious side about their future at the end of season 4.

Kelso admits that Jackie makes him feel bad and constantly makes him feel less than her, which led him to cheat on her with Pam Macy. Although Jackie is confused at first by his vulnerability and admission to how bad she makes him feel, their time together ends for good, even though she expresses guilt.

6 “I need to chop down a tree.”

Although Kelso loves his friends, he will do anything to throw them under the bus, which we see in this scene between him and Red.

While getting caught looking through Eric’s dad, Red’s, tools in his garage, Kelso decides to say that he needs a saw and proceeds to create a story about chopping down a tree for a rabbit to “return to the wild.” He somehow convinces Red that Eric had the audacity to throw a rabbit in a tree, completely distracting him from the garage situation.

5 “You know what your problem is? I’m too good-looking.”

Season 7 brings a lot of changes to the show, including the introduction of Hyde’s half-sister, Angie. While in Eric’s basement, Hyde begins to vent about his true ill feelings towards Angie, in which Kelso comforts him with this line.

A few minutes later, Eric asks a question in which Kelso shares this line again to solve his “problem.” It even gets to a point where he shares this line following one of Red’s stories, which fans know is coming but is still hilarious.

4 “I’m like ketchup; I am good on everything.”

This scene is an example of that although you may be good-looking, you may not catch a woman’s eye right away, which is an issue for Kelso. He immediately wants to ask out Angie at first sight, although she is initially not that impressed by him. When he enters the record store to talk to her, she tells him he isn’t her type, which leads an offended Kelso to use this line.

This ironic quote has good intentions, although one could argue that ketchup is not good on everything.

3 “BURN!”

Kelso’s “burn!” made That ’70s Show what it is today. This quote is a Kelso staple used throughout his duration in the show and it is usually said loud and proud in any type of setting that he is in with no regrets.

Whether it’s to support Jackie in a girl fight against Laurie or to interject in a random conversation between Eric and Hyde, Kelso is the comedic relief fans can always count on to spice things up.

2 “I have the three things that women want: I’m hot and I’m smart.”

Another glimpse into Kelso’s innocent stupidity is when the gang is hanging out in their circle and Kelso has an epiphany that no one should ever pick another guy over him.

He continues to share this line, only to be corrected by Donna that he only listed two things. Kelso replies by saying that “hot counts twice,” which not only shows his immaturity but his belief that being attractive makes him better than other people.

1 “Damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather!”

One of the most iconic of Kelso’s quotes from the series happens in the season 3 episode “Ice Shack.” This episode finds Kelso attempting to win Jackie back by setting up a “romantic” getaway in an ice shack. Donna and Eric are also along for the trip, who Kelso tries to copy to impress Jackie.

Donna gets cold and Eric offers his jacket to her, which is a nice gesture; however, when Jackie chimes in that she is also cold, Kelso immediately fires back with this hilarious line and ends up getting an offer of Fez’s jacket.

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