The 10 Funniest Quotes on Bajillion Dollar Properties

Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ was one of the funniest shows on Seeso. Since NBC canceled one streaming service for another, Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ found a new home on PlutoTV. The series is now free to watch, which is great because it’s an absolute delight.

Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ is a hilarious series with some of the most tightly-knit written and improvised jokes around. It has incredible lines and bits throughout its four-season run, consistently funny without losing momentum. There are so many classic quotes throughout. Here’s a collection of the funniest quotes from the series.

10 “The idea of buying and selling bits of the Earth… can you imagine the hubris?”

This is one of the first lines of the series, delivered by Dean Rosedragon (Paul F. Tompkins). Rosedragon is the boss of Platinum Realty, and this line is the perfect introduction to his character. Dean Rosedragon claims he was the seventh Beatle early on, and that the movie Predator is based on his life. But more than all those things, Dean is a powerful real estate tycoon.

Dean describing the real estate business like this is a hilarious entry point into the world of Bajillion Dollar Propertie$. The way he eloquently describes his work as laughing in the face of God makes Dean Rosedragon an instant classic sitcom boss.

9 “I called the cable company and they laughed at me for five minutes. Then they told me I’d been robbed!”

Glenn (Tim Baltz) is to Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ what Toby was to The Office. Despite Dean crowning him as partner in season 1, Glenn never wins over the love and respect of his colleagues. Glenn’s a total doofus and often struggles to sell a single property. At least one time, Glenn couldn’t even keep everything inside the house.

When Glenn shows up to his listing in “The Platinum Curse,” he walks in on three robbers looting the place. Instead of dropping everything, the robbers continue pilfering items, while Glenn half-heartedly tries stopping them. The robbers even manage to walk out with Glenn’s watch and jacket before leaving. Glenn’s heartbroken realization is the perfect button for this scene.

8 “The door is open to checkmate.”

While many brokers compete for Dean’s affections, Amir often tries to get one over on Dean. Amir tries blackmailing Dean in “Amir vs Dean,” hoping to become a partner at the firm if he “bechieves” (believe-slash-achieve). But as this quote proves, the more Amir tries claiming the high ground, the harder Dean shuts him down.

Amir’s goofy attempts to get a win over Dean are highlighted by Dean’s personalized chessboard. The chessboard has custom pieces, each with the face of a different employee. Punctuated with Dean’s huge custom chessboard piece of himself, Amir walks out, insisting the “door is open” to his victory.

7 “The house has one bathroom. I did that very intentionally.”

As funny as the main cast is, they’ve also had incredible guest stars. Andy Daly (Review, Comedy Bang! Bang!) is one such guest, playing Don DiMello in “Make Partner, Part 2.” DiMello chats with both Chelsea and Victoria about selling his house. However, it turns out he has several caveats for his creepy home, like insisting he’ll still live in the house with whoever buys it.

This bathroom line is particularly hilarious. DiMello is adamant that he knows who’s using the bathroom at all times, asserting that he wants “complete control over it.” DiMello’s insane demands make this episode one of the series’ best.

6 “I’ve never been around this many women who weren’t chasing me for what I did to their husbands.”

Dean accuses Victoria (Mandell Maughan) of not having many female friends, and this line only helps illustrate his point. When Victoria isn’t trying to marry Dean, she’s complaining about hooking up with D.J. But Victoria’s relationships with women are even less successful.

In “A Divided House,” Victoria tries to prove to Dean that she can make female friends. She winds up befriending the women who tour her latest listing (played by the comedy group Wild Horses). Victoria is instantly smitten with this new sense of sisterhood, despite the fact they women are clearly part of some cult. Victoria’s quote is even funnier in the context of befriending this track-suit-wearing Midsommar cult.

5 “I once lost an eye.”

This is a fantastic, wild quote from guest star Carl Tart, playing Eugene “Rocket” Jackson. Rocket first shows up in Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ at the Diamond Dealmakers award ceremony. Victoria talks to him, hoping he’ll confirm that she is winning the Best Broker award. However, the conversation takes a turn when Rocket compares the “boring” job of a broker to his violent pro football past.

It’s an incredible non-sequitur that shuts down any pro-broker argument Victoria has. Juxtaposing Rocket’s boredom with real estate with the actual violence he faced on the field is a delightful break from the show’s broker focus.

4 “All of the hallways are gonna just be beaches.”

D.J (Eugene Cordero) joins the brokerage in season 3 as a great foil for Glenn. D.J. is cool, relaxed, and beloved by nearly every broker. However, he does show a sinister side at the end of the season, stealing the brokerage out from under Dean. The balance of cool dude and power-hungry Rosedragon make D.J. a fantastic addition to the cast.

This quote is the perfect blend of chill and commanding D.J. The ways D.J. changes Platinum Realty after taking over is absurd. It’s not evil, but it’s utterly pointless. It’s D.J. flexing his power in a way that doesn’t “raise the level” in any way, shape, or form.

3 “I didn’t want to hit him!”

Dean’s methods of punishment are demented – like when he institutes “floor punishment,” where the brokers have to lie down and stare at the ceiling. When Dean’s attempts to relate to his employees turn into him doing their chores, he flies off the handle in a delightfully twisted way.

Dean asserts his dominance over the others in “Stapler’s Monster” by commanding Chelsea to slap Glenn. Chelsea slaps Glenn almost immediately, without a hint of hesitation. But not only does Chelsea apologize as she does it, but she also cries over it almost as much as Glenn does. The ferocious way Dean takes charge is nothing short of savage.

2 “Lose 20 pounds and run after me!”

Baxter (Drew Tarver) has several hilarious moments in Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ regarding his love life. Baxter also has a lot of faith in his looks, claiming to look like “Santa’s hottest elf” (albeit with some help from Botox). Baxter thinks a whole lot of himself, but that changes when he comes face-to-face with a collection of exes.

In “Good Todd Hunting,” Baxter has a run-in with the Anti-Baxters, a group founded over the shared trauma of dating him. While Baxter is furious at all of them, he can’t help trying to re-seduce “Fat Adam” with this line. Baxter is hilarious, though he’s a horrible flirt.

1 “Hot dog… hot- hamburger with – uh, I’m going back to hot dog.”

In the season 3 premiere “Dean’s Legacy,” D.J. attempts to learn about all the other brokers. While he’s able to get something of a read on the others, he can’t crack Andrew Wright (Ryan Gaul). Andrew doesn’t know the meaning of the word “enigma,” and he thinks the TV is a window. And when D.J. asks what’s on his mind, all Andrew can come up with is “hungry.”

Andrew’s stream-of-conscious cravings make for one of the funniest confessionals in the entire series. It’s stupid, yet innocent, and so purely goofy. It’s a moment where Bajillion Dollar Propertie$ is completely removed from any form of logic. It’s the perfect piece of random dialogue.