The 10 Most Hilarious Quotes From 1975’s Return Of The Pink Panther

Peter Sellers and Blake Edwards took a long hiatus from the Pink Panther franchise following the release of A Shot In The Dark, one of the best comedies of the 1960s. A chance reteaming for the 1968 hit comedy The Party prompted them both to consider picking up where they left off with Inspector Clouseau and his shenanigans.

Thus, the duo worked together again for 1975’s The Return of the Pink Panther, an underrated yet hilarious comedy from start to finish, and then some. The madcap gags, expert physical comedy and precise timing are married to some of the funniest quotes in movie history, and here’s ten that still bring tears to the eyes decades later.

10 [Clouseau] “How Can A Blind Man Be A Lookout?” [Dreyfus] How Can An Idiot Be A Policeman? Answer Me That!”

The first act of the film has Clouseau walking the beat in a position far less glamorous than his former days as an Inspector. Yet still, his incompetence robs him of the ability to handle basic menial tasks without running them off the rails.

After conversing with a seemingly blind beggar and his monkey about the nature of street performing as it pertains to local laws, Clouseau inadvertently allows a gang of bank robbers to go free. When Chief Inspector Dreyfus informs him that the beggar was the lookout, Clouseau responds with this quote which Dreyfus immediately replies to with hilarious effect.

9 “I Had An Aunt Who Suffered From High Blood Pressure. She Was Attended Successfully By Dr. August Balls Of Nice.”

After surviving an assassination attempt by a shadowy figure, Clouseau returns to the station half-blown up to be debriefed by Dreyfus. The conversation goes haywire, forcing Dreyfus to lose it and attempt to shoot Clouseau with his mock lighter pistol.

As he tries to sit down and calm his nerves, Clouseau tries to pour him a glass of water from a faulty decanter and spills it all over his lap. While blotting it up, Clouseau drops this quote which immediately sends Dreyfus scrambling through his desk to look for the real gun.

8 “He Is Sir Charles Phantom, The Notorious Litton.”

The inept Inspector Clouseau is flown out to Lagash to investigate the museum where the Pink Panther diamond was stolen and comes face-to-face with a white glove left at the scene of the crime – the calling card of Sir Charles Litton (play by the illustrious Christopher Plummer). After spilling his fingerprint dust all over the table and slipping on floor wax, Clouseau analyzes the metal grabber arm used to lift the diamond from its cradle.

He proclaims that the thief is an Englishman and that his name is “Sir Charles Phantom, the Notorious Litton.” Peter Sellers purposely mixed up words in the script for comedic effect, and this is one of the funniest – especially given what happens next.

7 “I Have Fixed Your Doorbell From The Ringing. There Is No Charge.”

Clouseau decides to infiltrate Charles Litton’s mansion as a tech repairman in order to bug his phone and keep tabs on his whereabouts. He rings the doorbell which ends up going off like a fire alarm that never stops. Embarrassed, Clouseau pries the alarm panel from the wall and whacks it with a hammer to stop it.

Unbeknownst to him, the butler is standing in the doorway with a rather confused look on his face. Playing it cool as always, Clouseau wraps the alarm panel in its own wires and hands it to the butler before uttering this quote.

6 “Compared To Clouseau, Attila The Hun Was A Red Cross Volunteer!”

Clouseau hasn’t been on the case for longer than a day before he wrecks two trucks and a swimming pool. The authorities in Nice phone up Chief Inspector Dreyfus to give him the bad news which only serves to drive him further over the edge.

Fearing what will happen when Clouseau descends upon the peaceful village of Gstaad, Dreyfus utters this quote, to sum up just how serious a threat he really is. Little did Dreyfus know that things would go off the rails far worse than he imagined.

5 [Psychiatrist] “How Much Do You Hate Him?” [Dreyfus] “How Much? How High Is Up?”

While Clouseau pursues his Lady Litton lead in Gstaad, Dreyfus decides to take some time out and see his psychiatrist in the hopes that he can quell his nerves and claw back some of his sanity. He’s remarkably candid during the exchange as the psychiatrist attempts to lure out his innermost feelings.

When the psychiatrist asks how much Dreyfus truly hates Clouseau, he responds with the above quote before fantasizing about choking him to death in his dreams. Unfortunately, Dreyfus got a bit too carried away and strangled his own psychiatrist without realizing it.

4 [Clouseau] “How Long Have You Been A Bellboy?” [Bellboy] “Ahhh, Too Long, Monsieur!” [Clouseau] “Keep Up This Good Work And Very Soon I Will See To It That You Become A Bell-MAN!”

Clouseau arrived in Gstaad and immediately began snooping on the affairs of Lady Litton who was obviously lying in wait for her husband Charles to catch on to the little scheme she had hatched. Clouseau believed she was the path to finding Charles and decided to make her his sole priority instead of him.

He employed the young bellboy of the hotel to act as a spy on his behalf. When he notified Clouseau of her daily itinerary, the two shared this exchange with a promise from the Inspector that meant literally nothing. As far as sidekicks went, this bellboy wasn’t exactly going to break any records.

3 “Swine Bird! That Is My Private Moustache, You Naughty Bird!”

Clouseau went full-on secret agent like the best in cinematic history when he posed as a cleaner in order to get inside Lady Litton’s hotel room and track her activities. His garb of choice was a uniform that didn’t fit properly, a ridiculous hairdo and a moustache so fake, it could be spotted from orbit.

After throwing his overpowered vacuum cleaner into high gear, Clouseau managed to suck the hotel parrot clear out of its cage along with his own moustache. He stopped the vacuum and opened the lid to see the parrot crawl out with the moustache in its beak, much to his annoyance.

2 “This Is The Man Who Hates You! This Is The Man Who More Than Anything Else In The World Would Like To See You Dead And Buried!”

Inspector Dreyfus had enough of Clouseau fooling around in Gstaad and wanted answers as to what exactly he was doing over there. He phoned Lady Litton’s hotel room and spoke to Clouseau who did his best to remain undercover in her presence. After picking up the phone, Clouseau asked who was calling.

Dreyfus responded with this quote which should have left no room for interpretation. Instead, Clouseau replied, “Are you the head waiter that works at the little bistro on the Rue Des Beaux-Arts?” What came next was entirely predictable.

1 “Good Sharki, Colonel God! We Were Just Talking About You!”

The final act of the film has Clouseau barging into Litton’s hotel room and proclaiming that Charles Litton will be placed under arrest. He fails to notice Colonel Sharki of the Lagash Secret Police who was running his own nefarious plan for the Pink Panther diamond from the shadows.

When Charles pointed him out, Clouseau attempted to play it cool with this quote, once again messing up the order of words with hilarious effect. It was especially funny given that Clouseau had just insulted him seconds prior without realizing it.

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