The Cabin In The Woods Characters, Ranked By Intelligence

As far as shocking horror movies go, The Cabin In The Woods is at the top of many fans’ lists. After years of watching scary films about young adults who meet a grim end on ill-fated vacations, audiences were ready to see this inventive take on it.

Thanks to Cabin‘s smart conclusion, a second film probably won’t be made, and because the entire movie is so intelligent, it makes sense to think about how brilliant (or not) the main characters are. Those who are familiar with the genre noticed a lot of monsters and creatures from other stories, which is part of the fun of watching. It’s also entertaining to see which character knows about the movie’s main twist, who is slowly figuring it out, and who truly has no idea.

10 Curt Vaughan

Chris Hemsworth has played many parts besides Thor, and it’s fun to watch him play Curt in this movie.

Curt is the stereotype of the “dumb jock” who has a pretty girlfriend and doesn’t think too much about anything. He’s the least intelligent of the characters in this movie, as he has no idea that something scary is happening, and he just wants to party and hang out with his girlfriend Jules. He makes a joke about her textbooks at the beginning of the film, which doesn’t make him seem very smart.

9 Jules Louden

Anna Hutchison’s The Cabin In The Woods character isn’t all that smart, either, besides the fact that she’s pre-med.

Jules doesn’t have a care in the world besides having fun, so she gets along great with her boyfriend Curt. When the gang plays truth or dare and she’s dared to make out with a wolf head on one of the cabin’s walls, it’s pretty gross and proves that she likes to shock people.

8 Mordecai

While at first glance, Mordecai (Tim De Zarn) is just a creepy and weird guy who runs an old dilapidated gas station, his place in the story is much more significant.

Mordecai is “The Harbinger,” the person who lets the college students know that something horrible is waiting for them. He’s supposed to be the first sign that something is wrong. While he tells them that they might not be able to get home after staying at the cabin, they ignore him. Mordecai isn’t as intelligent as the other people who work at the Facility (also called the Organization), as he gets mad when he’s put on speakerphone and he doesn’t seem to like what he’s doing, but he doesn’t get another job.

7 Gary Sitterson

Gary (Richard Jenkins) is fairly intelligent, as it does take some smarts to figure out how to run this whole ritual. He is one of the main people responsible for putting the pieces of the story together, and he’s really good at it.

Gary is just as cynical as his co-worker Steve, with whom he spends most of his time, and he’s really good at the problem-solving that he has to do as part of his job. When something goes wrong, like when the tunnel was open, Gary can quickly solve the issue.

6 Steve Hadley

Steve (Bradley Whitford) seems smarter than Gary because although they both appear to do well in their positions, Steve is much more cynical about the whole scenario.

Steve is used to doing horrible things all the time and doesn’t even bat an eyelash. If he was put in charge of the entire ritual, it seems like he would be able to handle it.

5 Wendy Lin

Wendy (Amy Acker) works at the Facility and doesn’t like when the others place bets on what’s going to happen and joke around.

When everyone is partying to celebrate the success of the ritual, Wendy would rather not treat it like a game. Though she is fairly intelligent, if she was smarter, she wouldn’t have gotten involved with this horrible job. However, she does talk to the new employee, Daniel Truman, and help him understand what’s going on.

4 Holden McCrea

Holden (Jesse Williams) is supposed to be “The Scholar,” in this scenario, and he seems to have his act together, at least more than the other college students.

Right away, he knows that he’s being set up with Dana, and he gets the first inkling that the cabin isn’t what it seems when his bedroom has a mirror where he can spy on the other room. He can also understand Latin and he tries to put together a game plan for escaping, despite Dana’s protests that it won’t work.

3 Dana Polk

Dana (Kristen Connolly) is definitely a type of final girl, as she is “The Virgin” in the ritual and if she dies, she’s meant to die after the other characters.

Dana is one of the most intelligent characters in the movie as she fights back and tries her best to survive. She is brave and attacks the zombies, and she keeps trying to find ways to escape, even though deep in her heart she knows that she probably won’t survive. At the end of the movie, she’s smart enough to realize that while she stops all of humanity from dying, she’s not sure that’s the best thing to do.

2 Marty Mikalski

Many horror tropes have disappeared from modern horror movies, but one person who has stuck around is the stoner philosopher character, who is somehow way smarter than he should be.

Marty (Fran Kranz) is that guy in The Cabin In The Woods. He starts becoming more and more afraid as he’s smart enough to perceive that something is seriously off.

1 The Director

It was so much fun for horror movie fans to see Sigourney Weaver at the end of The Cabin In The Woods, as this actress has many famous roles under her belt and her appearance was a happy surprise.

As “The Director,” Weaver’s character explains to Dana and Marty that they are offering up humans as sacrifices to the ancient gods, and the ritual has a bit of an order, as “The Wh*re” must be killed before anyone else and “The Virgin” can be killed after the others or they can live. The Director is definitely the smartest of all of the characters, as she’s orchestrating the whole ritual, and she truly understands what’s at stake. Because of her, the final scene is both hilarious and scary.

About The Author

Aya Tsintziras
(1742 Articles Published)

Aya Tsintziras is a freelance writer who writes about pop culture and TV. She has a Political Science degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters of Journalism from Ryerson University. She loves coffee, reading, working out, and watching TV. She lives in Toronto with her husband.

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