The Office: 15 Kevin Malone Quotes We All Relate To

The Office had characters with distinct personalities capable of making audiences laugh over and over. All of the main employees of Dunder Mifflin Scranton were extremely entertaining and had hilarious moments. While Kevin Malone might have been thought of as the least intelligent employee at the branch, he would often be one of the most relatable.

Kevin just wanted to rest and eat food. Most of us can relate to these wants and needs that Kevin displayed throughout his time on The Office. But which quotes of this fan-favorite character are the most relatable?

Updated on March 22, 2021 by Kristen Palamara: The Office still holds up as one of the most popular American sitcoms in modern television and its enduring popularity is mostly due to its large cast of quirky, hilarious, and relatable characters. Kevin Malone is one of the most lovable secondary characters on the show because of his honest and relatable dialogue. Kevin is a character who typically doesn’t have a filter and isn’t afraid to talk about what he really wants in life or how he truly feels. Typically, his musings are on his food preferences, how he feels about his co-workers, and his blissful confidence in himself.

15 “ME THINK, WHY WASTE TIME SAY LOT WORD, WHEN FEW WORD DO TRICK. WHEN ME PRESIDENT THEY SEE. THEY SEE.”

Kevin thinks that if he shortens his sentences like the above quote he’ll save more time and he also believes he’s a genius because of the idea. Everyone is immediately annoyed with his new cadence and have to sit him down to tell him to stop talking like this.

Most people can relate to trying to figure out a way to save time or getting into a new hobby that doesn’t work out and you have to quit.

14 “YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM FOR 45 MINUTES AND EVERYTHING CHANGES.”

Kevin, like most of the office employees, was known for slacking off at work and most people would relate if they have a 9 to 5 job that isn’t always exhilarating.

Kevin says he was in the bathroom for 45 minutes and it’s either a real stomach issue or he just needed a break from work. He says everything’s changed since he’s been gone, which makes sense if you take almost an hour-long bathroom break.

13 “I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS FOREVER.” “IT’S BEEN 20 SECONDS.” “CALL IT.”

In the iconic CPR scene, the employees at Dunder Mifflin Scranton have to try their best to give CPR to a mannequin with a trained professional’s help. Everybody’s approach is very in character as Michael gets distracted and Dwight tries to harvest the mannequin’s organs.

Kevin quickly gets winded after 20 seconds of trying to do CPR and tells the trainer to call it because he can’t save them. Jim gives a hilariously concerned look to the camera after seeing his co-worker essentially give up on saving a life because he got tired.

12 “NO, IT’S NOT ASHTON KUTCHER. IT’S KEVIN MALONE.”

Kevin gets a wig and he feels incredibly confident with his new look even though everyone he works with immediately knows that it’s not his real hair. But nevertheless, Kevin is still blissfully confident in his new look.

Most everyone can relate to trying a new look and being confident and excited about it even if it’s not the best choice.

11 “SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE I WORK WITH IS AN IDIOT. AND BY SOMETIMES I MEAN ALL TIMES.”

It’s rare that people love every single one of their co-workers, so this is definitely a relatable quote from Kevin. His wording makes it even funnier because it doesn’t sound like the most natural sentence but it’s as Kevin says, he thinks everyone else he works with is an idiot.

It’s also a hilariously ironic quote from him as most of the punchlines about his character show that he’s not the smartest person in the office.

10 “I JUST WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH AND EAT HOT DOGS. THAT’S ALL I’VE EVER WANTED.”

During the iconic “Beach Games” episode from season 3, Kevin Malone reflects what we would all be thinking if we were there, too. While Pam might be going through an emotional glow-up and Michael is trying to have the employees compete for his job, Kevin just wants to relax on the beach and eat.

It is beach day after all, which should be a day to relax and splurge on delicious summertime foods. Sadly for Kevin, he didn’t get to live out his beach dreams completely.

9 “I GOT SIX NUMBERS. ONE MORE WOULD HAVE BEEN A COMPLETE TELEPHONE NUMBER.”

Kevin Malone is not a character that has a lot of game when it comes to the dating world. He sometimes is more confident in himself than he should be, but that’s also something to be admired.

Kevin is always proud of himself whenever he gets any attention from a woman. With this hilarious quote, he’s pretty happy about the fact that he almost got an entire telephone number. We’ve all had days where we don’t have a lot of game, so this quote is pretty relatable.

8 “I HAVE VERY LITTLE PATIENCE FOR STUPIDITY.”

This quote will definitely make fans of The Office laugh as Kevin is not exactly seen as being the brightest bulb on the show. Other characters often make fun of him for not being very smart, so the idea that he’s the one that can’t put up with stupidity is hilarious.

Also, this line is definitely relatable. We all have times where we just can’t deal with the way other people are acting around us. Some days, there is just too much stupidity.

7 “I WANTED TO EAT A PIG IN A BLANKET, IN A BLANKET.”

Kevin is the character who represents the food lover in all of us. During Erin’s dinner party to watch Glee, Kevin decides he just wants to eat a pig in a blanket while wrapped up in bed in a blanket. This is the kind of cozy relaxation that we can all aspire to.

The only problem is that he just made himself at home in Gabe’s bed, which is something that your average person probably wouldn’t do. It’s probably better to only eat food in your own bed.

6 “I WANT TO BE WINED AND DINED AND [bedroom activity] …”

Most of us want to be romanced. Kevin expresses this feeling quite well with this hilarious quote. Poor Kevin doesn’t get a lot of pampering or romance in his life, although he has had a couple of relationships.

This feeling of wanting to be taken care of — both in and outside of the bedroom — is super relatable, especially when you’re single. One must give Kevin credit for expressing some of the things that we all feel.

5 “I WATCHED TV FOR 14 HOURS.”

If there’s one thing that many people can relate to these days it’s binge-watching television. While this activity is especially common for millennials, people of all ages sometimes can’t keep themselves from watching an entire television show in one sitting.

When Kevin reflects with regret on the fact he watched television for over 14 hours, that should strike a chord with everyone who owns a Netflix account. After watching television for that long, you start to feel guilty… but this doesn’t stop you from doing it again.

4 “WHENEVER I TRY TO MAKE A TACO, I GET TOO EXCITED AND CRUSH IT.”

Delicious comfort food is something that most of us love. Kevin loves all junk food, too, and he isn’t shy about it at all. Whether it’s the M&M’s at his desk or fast food, Kevin is always talking about food which is something we can relate to.

Sometimes, when you’re trying to make the food you really love, you can get really excited about it. While most of us don’t crush our tacos, the thrill over food is super relatable.

3 “MINI CUPCAKES? AS IN THE MINI VERSION OF REGULAR CUPCAKES?”

This line might be one of Kevin’s funniest quotes throughout the entire series. As a person who really loves food, it’s no wonder he has some strong opinions on the subject.

He’s definitely not having the idea of the mini cupcakes and continues this quote saying, “which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?” Kevin isn’t one to get riled up all that often, but he takes his food very seriously.

2 “YOU THINK THIS IS A GREAT PARTY? THIS CAKE HAS VEGETABLES IN IT.”

If you’ve ever gone to a party or to dinner at someone’s house only to find that all of the food is super healthy and you’re not here for it, you can relate to this quote. Even though the cake was a carrot cake — which is still pretty sweet — Kevin doesn’t want vegetables anywhere near his desserts, and no one can blame him for that.

While a carrot cake does occasionally hit the spot, few things can replace chocolate. And Kevin is not afraid to say as much.

1 “I DO DESERVE A VACATION. SOMETIMES BATMAN’S GOT TO TAKE OFF HIS CAPE.”

Kevin feels like he works hard. Whether or not he really does, we all have those moments where we are overworked and know a vacation is needed. This quote reflects that inner voice we all have that says we are a superhero and we deserve some time off to rest and relax.

With Michael as his boss, Kevin probably needs a break more than most people. However, The Office would not be the same without him.

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