The Simpsons: 10 Abe Simpson Quotes That Are Still Hilarious Today

While the main five members of the Simpsons family get all the attention, the oldest family member should not be overlooked. Abe Simpson (or Grandpa Simpson) is a very different man than his son Homer, but his ridiculous personality fits in perfectly in the dysfunctional family.

Abe is cranky and absent-minded which could explain why he is relegated to the nursing home. He is the quintessential old man who always wants to talk about the great things his generation did while complaining about modern society. Though he doesn’t always get the spotlight, he is one more hilarious character from the beloved show. Here are some of Abe Simpsons’ funniest quotes from The Simpsons.

10 Matlock!

There aren’t too many things Abe is passionate about, but when it comes to Matlock, he is a full-blown fanboy. Matlock was a legal drama from the ’80s which starred Andy Griffith as a brilliant lawyer taking on all sorts of high-profile cases.

The show has a reputation of having a lot of fans in the older demographic and Abe certainly counts himself as one of them. Whenever the show is on, Abe would just yell “Matlock” as loud as he could until he got to watch it. The impatient cry became something of a catchphrase for him.

9 Why, I Go In And Out Of Comas All The… Zzzzz

Abe Simpson has managed to last over 30 seasons of the show despite always seeming like he’s on the verge of death. He has a variety of medical issues and his episodes are so frequent that he hardly seems to notice them anymore.

After Homer falls into a coma following one of his many accidents, Abe visits in the hospital and gives the family some encouraging words. He dismisses the coma as no big deal, and as if to illustrate his point, he falls into a quick coma while standing up before snapping out of it and saying “French toast, please.”

8 Dear Mr. President, There Are Too Many States Nowadays

Though he may be old, Abe keeps busy with a number of hobbies. His favorite pastime seems to be writing angry letters to anyone and everyone he can complain to. The letters don’t often make any sense and it’s hard to say if he thinks people will listen, but he writes them either way.

His most ambitious attempt was trying to get the president to remove some US states. As a way of helping with the process, he even included a list of suggestions for which states should get the boot.

7 I Did Wear A Dress For A Period In The ’40s

According to his own stories, Abe Simpson lived a pretty interesting and event-filled life. The only issue is whether or not any of his stories are true. While he would seem to like to twist the truth a little bit every now and then, there might be a sliver of actual facts in his stories.

In one particularly incredible tale, Abe explains that he posed as a female burlesque dancer during World War II when stuck behind enemy lines. When Bart questions the validity of that story, Abe admits it’s only partially true, although it suggests the true story might be just as interesting.

6 What’s So Unappealing About Hearing Your Elderly Father Talk About Sex?

Abe and Homer have never really seen eye-to-eye as father and son. When Homer was younger, Abe was a domineering and strict father who didn’t give Homer a lot of love. As an adult, Homer is very dismissive of his father and his old man ways. But that doesn’t mean Abe can’t give his son some advice.

After Homer and Marge encounter some sensitive marital trouble, Abe picks up on it and questions Homer if there is a problem with their sex life. Homer is understandably turned off by the discussion, especially the hilariously drawn-out way Abe pronounces “seeeeeeeeeex.” It’s only worse when he reminds Homer that he’s also had sex.

5 So I Tied An Onion To My Belt Which Was The Style At The Time

Abe certainly does like to tell a good story, even if it’s a story that doesn’t actually go anywhere. Abe even seems to acknowledge the rambling nature of his stories which are filled with historical inaccuracies. Yet he tells them anyway.

His story about taking the ferry to Shelbyville is an especially long-winded tale that keeps veering off course into ridiculous tangents. We’re not sure how an onion could even be worn on a belt let alone become popular fashion.

4 Do We Sell French… Fries?

After experiencing so many adventures (that may or may not have happened), Abe often laments that he is now considered an old and useless old man. This sometimes inspires him to get active again, only to realize he does not understand modern society.

In an attempt to get back in the workforce, Abe takes a job at Krusty Burger but even fast food goes way over his head. While working the drive-thru window, a customer asks for French fries. Abe’s wonderfully confused response suggests he really doesn’t get out much.

3 I’m In Love! No, Wait It’s A Stroke

Abe is not always the easiest person to get along with, but like everyone, he is looking for someone to spend his days with. He’s had a few romances in his time, but one of the more serious and unusual was when he fell for Marge’s mother.

Abe obviously doesn’t feel this way about every girl he meets. As he tries to make sense of this strange feeling before finally realizing it’s love. Then he realizes it’s actually a stroke. Maybe a bit of both.

2 We Had To Say Dickety, Because The Kaiser Stole Our Word Twenty

There’s so much knowledge that Abe Simpsons has that you just couldn’t learn in the history books. When Abe is invited to speak to Bart’s class, he is able to teach them a bit of untold America history.

He starts the story by saying that it takes place in Nineteen Dickety-Two before explaining “We had to say ‘dickety’, because the Kaiser stole our word ‘twenty'”. How someone could steal a word is a mystery but Abe insists he chased him for dickety-six miles to get the word back.

1 I Used To Be With It, But Then They Changed What It Was

Abe’s life lessons are not always helpful or even factual, but a lot can be gained from the man’s understanding of growing old. It’s something we all experience and Abe has some wise and funny things to say on the matter.

In a flashback, Homer remembers making fun of his father for not understanding modern music. Abe repsonds “I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. It’ll happen to you!”

About The Author

Colin McCormick
(2027 Articles Published)

Colin McCormick is a Senior Writer with Screen Rant and has been a proud member of the team since 2019. In addition to his work as Screen Rant, Colin is also a writer of News, Feature and Review pieces at Game Rant. Colin has had a long passion and obsession with movies going back to the first time he saw The Lion King in theaters. Along with movies, Colin stays up-to-date on the latest must-see TV shows. While he loves to find interesting projects in any kind of genre, he has a special movie of crime stories that are infused with a little dark humor much like the work of his favorite author, Elmore Leonard.

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