The Simpsons: 10 Best Chief Wiggum Quotes

There is perhaps no supporting cast as well developed and beloved as The Simpsons. The many residents of Springfield keep continuing to delight and amuse fans after many seasons, and this includes the jovial chief of the police department, Clancy Wiggum.

Ridiculously incompetent and with a fondness for food to rival Homer, Chief Wiggum has become a fan favorite over the years with his stupidity and corruptness, not to mention that his son Ralph is another fan favorite. And like many Simpsons characters, Chief Wiggum has gathered some incredibly memorable quotes during his time on the show.

Supernatural Fears

“Oh My God, It Just Disappeared! It’s A Ghost Car! There Are Ghost Cars All Over These Highways, You Know.”

One of Marge Simpson’s funniest Simpsons episodes is the Thelma & Louise-inspired “Marge on the Lam.” While a Marge-centric episode, it also features some of Chief Wiggum’s funniest moments as he and Homer pursue Marge and her friend Ruth in a police car chase.

During the chase, Marge worries that she and Ruth can’t trick the police to escape as they are “highly trained professionals.” But Ruth simply turns off her car headlights, which causes a panicked Chief Wiggum to cry out “It just disappeared… it’s a ghost car!” Highly trained professionals, indeed.

Chief Wiggum Gives An Accurate Location Description

“I’m, Uh… I’m On A Road, Uh… Looks To Be Asphalt. Um, Ah Geez, Trees, Shrubs, Um… I’m Directly Under The Earth’s Sun… Now!”

Fans of the show will know how ridiculously incompetent Chief Wiggum is at being a regular cop, let alone the chief of police. As a result, his ineptitude as a law enforcer provides a number of hilarious moments throughout episodes of The Simpsons.

One such example is describing his location to a fellow officer while pursuing Marge and Ruth in the police car, so they can be located. The description is so vague and stupid that even Homer, who is not exactly a genius himself, looks exasperated.

A Terrible Mix-Up

“Mrs. Simpson, I Have Some Bad News, Your Husband Was Found DOA… Oh Wait, I Mean DUI. I Always Get Those Two Mixed Up.”

With the number of simple errors he makes, it’s baffling how Chief Wiggum made it to become Springfield’s police chief in the first place. One hilarious and notable example is an awful blunder in the episode “Duffless.”

Chief Wiggum tells Marge that Homer was found “DOA”. When Marge exclaims “He’s dead?!,” Chief Wiggum assures her that he meant “DUI” and that he always got the two mixed up. This incompetent error is made even worse when a woman comes in after Marge and says “You said my husband was DUI?”

About His Son, Ralph

“Ah, He’s A Dumb Kid, But He’s An Above Average Dog. Roll Over, Son!”

One factor in Chief Wiggum’s popularity is that he is the father of another beloved fan favorite, Ralph Wiggum. Like his father, Ralph isn’t the brightest character in the show but his sweet and harmless nature has won the hearts of many fans. Not to mention that Ralph has some incredibly funny quotes of his own.

Ralph’s lack of intelligence doesn’t go unnoticed by the other characters, including his own father. Chief Wiggum comparing Ralph to “an above-average dog” is funny in true Chief Wiggum fashion but also oddly endearing. The beloved “Wiggle Puppy” scene comes to mind.

A Moment Ruined

“Thanks A Lot, Jail Bird. Now I Have You On Burglary And Killing A Moment.”

Considering they are similar in personalities and mindsets, and the fact they both have a child in the same class, it’s surprising how Homer and Chief Wiggum didn’t hang out as friends more often. An episode in season 21 remedies that when Homer and Chief Wiggum bond over Homer offering him a sandwich.

Chief Wiggum confesses to Homer how difficult it is for cops to make friends, which results in a sweet bonding moment. This is subsequently ruined when Snake asks for a bathroom break, causing Chief Wiggum to snap at him.

Fears Of A Non-Existent Riot

“They Are? Oh No! Ha-Have They Set A Date?!”

Chief Wiggum may be a terrible cop when it comes to actually putting a stop to crime, but he isn’t afraid to use his authority when it’s convenient. One such example is in one of Lisa Simpson’s best episodes, “I Love Lisa.”

When Lisa snaps and breaks Ralph’s heart on television, Chief Wiggum takes it into his own hands by having Homer pull over so he can deliberately break his car lights. Angrily, Homer tells Chief Wiggum, “One day, honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops!” Chief Wiggum suddenly panics and asks if they’ve set a date.

The Number One Cop In Town

“If He Was Going To Commit A Crime, Would He Have Invited The Number One Cop In Town? Now, Where Did I Put My Gun? Oh Yeah, I Set It Down When I Got A Piece Of Cake!”

Chief Wiggum is very confident in himself as a police officer, despite the number of near-fatal errors he has made. One such error was at Selma’s wedding to Sideshow Bob in “Black Widower.”

Understandably, Bart is very anxious at the wedding but Chief Wiggum assures Bart that would he, “the number one cop in town,” have been invited if Bob had intended to commit a crime? This reassurance is extremely brief when it cuts to Chief Wiggum’s neglected gun right by the wedding cake within reach of children.

Food As A Motivator

“Do They Still Sell Those Frozen Bananas?”

One very notable fact about Chief Wiggum is that he loves food. As a result, food often acts as help or hindrance when he’s on duty.

When it’s the former, it’s often a motivator for Chief Wiggum to actually go and do his job. For example, when Officer Lou informs him of Homer and Bart’s big brother Tom fighting at the aquarium, Chief Wiggum asks if the aquarium still sells frozen bananas before committing to going. The fact that this is the motivator to go rather than the actual crime shouldn’t be shockingly funny, but it is.

Chief Wiggum’s Blundered Metaphor

“Fat Tony Is A Cancer On This Fair City. He’s The Cancer And I Am The, Uh… What Cures Cancer?”

One of The Simpsons‘ best season 3 episodes is “Bart the Murderer”, the episode that first introduced notorious mob boss Fat Tony. As one of Springfield’s top criminals, he has had plenty of run-ins with Chief Wiggum, although Fat Tony often has the upper hand simply due to being smarter.

This is evident before the two even are shown onscreen together when the inept police chief demonstrates his lack of wit. During a press conference, Chief Wiggum calls Fat Tony “a cancer on this fair city.” The metaphor goes well until he trails off and quietly asks “What cures cancer?”

Another Mix-Up

“Bake ‘Em Away, Toys!”

Despite his laziness, Chief Wiggum does seem to take his title seriously when it comes to giving out orders. One such instance resulted in a simple mix-up that has become one of Chief Wiggum’s best-remembered quotes.

The end of the episode “Cape Feare” sees the police come in time to take Sideshow Bob away. A triumphant Bart says to Officers Lou and Eddie “Take him away, boys!” However, Chief Wiggum isn’t too happy by this and insists “I’m the chief here… bake ’em away, toys!” Lou asks him what he just said and Chief Wiggum replies in a disgruntled manner, “Do what the kid said.”

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