The Simpsons: 10 Funniest Kent Brockman Quotes

How could the residents of Springfield ever stay informed without the calming voice of Kent Brockman being carried over the airwaves? The stalwart newsman has been a fixture of the Simpson family television since the beginning, and he’s often been a source of reliable information and comfort.

Okay, so that’s not exactly true. Throughout the years, Kent Brockman has proven himself to be somewhat insensitive to events happening in Springfield and around the world. He’s also been stubborn, childish, and in one famous instance, a traitor to humanity. These are just ten of Kent Brockman’s best quotes!

10 “‘What are you looking at?’ The innocent words of a drunken child.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what we’re looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.”

Kent Brockman may have been feeling the spirit on St. Patrick’s Day, but it didn’t last long. After wondering if drunkenness, fighting, and destruction of property are things people think of when they think of Ireland, Brockman reported on Bart’s accidental drunkenness.

It was this broadcast, in part, that led to the town completely banning alcohol in “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment.”

9 “Oh my God… Damn you snow!”

This impassioned curse of winter weather appears in “Lisa On Ice,” which begins with a report from Action News (Kent Brockman jumping into the frame and getting right to it is absolute gold).

Kent then checks in on the death count of the killer storm (it’s zero, but the weatherman expects it to shoot right up), which he says is bearing down on Springfield “like a shotgun full of snow.”

8 “Joblessness is no longer for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.”

Ouch. Anyone with a philosophy degree has to be feeling that burn. This line is uttered when Kent Brockman is reporting on the busier-than-usual unemployment office, where “things are not as happy as they used to be.”

During his reporting, Brockman stops to talk to Barney Gumble, who tells him that he hasn’t been able to find a job in six years, before listing his qualifications as “five years of modern dance, six years of tap.”

7 “A large bear-like animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills in search of food or perhaps employment.”

When a bear makes its way onto Evergreen Terrace, the whole town begins panicking. The newsworthy event is, of course, being covered by Kent Brockman, who openly wonders whether the bear is looking for food or a job.

As the Simpson family watches the broadcast, the bear destroys their mailbox. Of course, Homer, being as dumb as he is, believes that this is just bad news for the “Impson family.”

6 “Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?”

Springfield starts to panic when it finds itself in the grips of a cat burglar. The numerous thefts lead to the formation of a militia with Homer as the leader. After finally listening to his father, Homer apprehends the cat burglar (named Molloy) at the Springfield retirement home.

The story doesn’t end there, though. Molloy sets the whole town on a wild goose chase (that brilliantly parodies the film It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World) for all the money he’s stolen, located on the outskirts of Springfield. Kent Brockman asks his guest, only known as the Professor, this question after wondering why everyone in town would suddenly be leaving (the professor calmly responds, “Yes I would, Kent”).

5 “Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill.”

“The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be… The Killbot Factory.”

This line neer leads anywhere, as the episode that features it just moves on to a different story, but it’s a perfect distillation of how television news can often sensationalize a story in order to stoke fear in the audience.

What makes the line even better is that Kent Brockman straight up admits that he’s come up with a “more alarmist name,” essentially telling the audience that they should be, well, alarmed.

4 “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq…”

“and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.”

When Bart and Lisa finally get the chance to go to Kamp Krusty, their hopes of a great summer are immediately dashed by just how terrible the camp is. Eventually, Bart and the rest of the kids revolt and take over, turning the camp into a sort of Lord of the Flies-esque wild utopia (without all the negative aspects of that story).

Of course, this becomes a big story, so none other than Kent Brockman is on the scene to investigate, noting that the summer camp is worse than every war zone he has ever visited. He also helpfully informs Bart that he can say “crappy” on “this network.”

3 “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.”

When Springfield is threatened by a comet heading directly toward it, the residents of the town (including Brockman) want to ensure that they will be able to survive, either by destroying the comet or evacuating the city.

Of course, nothing can ever be that easy. When a congressional bill to evacuate the town is about to pass unanimously, a congressman adds a rider asking for $30 million of taxpayer money for the “perverted arts.” The amended bill is then defeated, leaving Springfield without any help.

2 “Yeah, I know I’m on…but I don’t care! I don’t read the news until I get my danish.”

If there’s one thing we know for sure about Kent Brockman, it’s that he absolutely, positively must have his danish before going on the air. If there’s another thing we know about him, it’s that he really cannot pronounce Kuala Lampur. Luckily, bumblebee Man is waiting in the wings to take over.

After Bart steals the danish from Brockman to give to Krusty,  he is asked to be Krusty’s new assistant, leading to his tenure as the “I didn’t do it boy.”

1 “And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.”

This may just be one of Kent Brockman’s most famous lines ever, as he immediately pledges allegiance to an invading colony of space ants (which are actually just regular ants) in “Deep Space Homer.”

The real comedy in this line is how quickly Brockman sells out the entire human race, telling the invading ants that as a television personality, he would be perfect for rounding up others to work in the sugar mines. After he realizes his mistake, Brockman again pledges allegiance to his human president, saying “It may not be perfect, but it’s still the best government we have. For now.”