Despite being a complete psychopath, Paulie Gualtieri (AKA Paulie Walnuts) is a fan favorite within the Sopranos fandom. A lot of that is due to Tony Sirico’s effortless charisma. Some of it has to do with being a complete psycho. But most of it stems from his hilarious dialogue.

The Sopranos is filled with funny lines and characters, but nobody even comes close to Paulie when it comes to humor. Sometimes he’s intentionally funny. Sometimes we’re laughing at him and not with him. Regardless, it’s a near-guarantee that anything coming out of Paulie’s mouth will be a riot. These are ten of Paulie’s funniest quotes, ranked.

10 This Is The Worst. This Expresso S***

Paulie (like everyone else in The Sopranos) is very proud of his Italian heritage. And seeing espresso really makes his blood boil. While being served in a major coffee shop franchise (likely Starbucks), Paulie laments the commercialization of Italian cuisine.

According to him, “They ate pootsie before we gave them the gift of our cuisine. But this, this is the worst. This expresso s***.” It’s not just his anger that’s funny – it’s the fact that he said “expresso” in place of espresso. Yeah, he knows a lot about his heritage…

9 You’re Santa Claus. So Shut The F*** Up About It

If there’s one thing Paulie takes more seriously than his Italian heritage, it’s entertaining the children of the neighborhood.

The shy and reserved Bobby Baccalieri is hesitant about playing Santa for the kids, forcing Paulie to stand and reprimand him, saying, “The boss of this family told you you’re gonna be Santa Claus. You’re Santa Claus. So shut the f*** up about it!” There’s nothing funnier than seeing violent psychopaths furiously arguing about who’s going to be Santa that year.

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8 It’s Like An Ad For A Weight Loss Center. Before, And Way Before

Poor Bobby is always getting the brunt of Paulie’s jokes. While goofing around with Chris, Paulie sees the overweight Vito and Bobby speaking to each other, their protruding guts practically touching each other.

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He turns to Chris, saying, “OH, look at that! It’s like an ad for a weight loss center. Before, and way before!” Bobby says what the audience is thinking – “This guy. Does he ever stop breaking balls?”

7 You Hear What I Said, Ton?

One of Paulie’s greatest quirks has to be repeating his jokes.

A running joke throughout the series sees Paulie making a quip, turning to Tony, and asking, “You hear what I said, Ton?” He then immediately repeats the joke that everyone just heard, word-for-word. It makes the audience laugh every single time, and it helps cement Paulie as one of the goofiest and most hilarious characters on the show.

6 Oof, Madone! He Looks Terrible!

Leave it to Paulie to say exactly what’s on his mind. While visiting Tony in the hospital after he slipped into a coma, Paulie is clearly instructed by Meadow to say encouraging things, as coma patients can supposedly hear what people are saying.

Immediately upon seeing Tony hooked up with tubes and a ventilator, Paulie can’t help but exclaim in horror, yelling, “Oof, madone! He looks terrible!”

5 The Guy Was An Interior Decorator!

Pine Barrens has to be the funniest episode of The Sopranos, and it’s easily Paulie’s greatest hour. While on the phone, Tony tells Paulie that the guy they’re pursuing is an ex-commando who killed sixteen Chechen rebels with the Interior Ministry.

Paulie mishears him, telling Chris, “You’re not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator!” To this, Chris famously quips, “His house looked like s***!”

4 Sun Tuh-Zoo! The Chinese Prince Matchabelli!

Paulie often tries to sound cultured, but he just can’t quite get there.

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During Tony B’s welcome home party, Paulie drops some Sun Tzu wisdom on him, mispronouncing Sun Tzu’s name as Sun Tuh-Zoo. Not only that, but he calls Sun Tzu the “Chinese Prince Matchabelli.” Prince Matchabelli is actually a luxury perfume line. Paulie meant Machiavelli, but Machiavelli was never a prince. He obviously got confused with Machiavelli’s seminal treatise, The Prince.

3 Minn! Your Door Was Open!

No scene better encapsulates Paulie’s wild personality traits better than Minn’s murder. Right before killing the poor old lady, Paulie is busted rooting around underneath her bed (after loudly breaking down the door).

Caught in the act, Paulie feigns friendliness with “Minn! Your door was open! I brought you something from my Ma!” The sight of Paulie’s head emerging from behind the bed is one of The Sopranos‘ finest visual gags.

2 I’ll Make This Short And Sweet…

Chris’s intervention, while obviously not funny in and of itself, is one of the funniest scenes in Sopranos history owing to the outlandish behavior of those around him.

First, there’s Silvio’s story of finding Chris passed out in the toilet. And then there’s Paulie, who is painfully, honestly, but hilariously blunt: “I’ll keep this short and sweet. You’re weak. You’ve become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.”

1 Word To The Wise: Remember Pearl Harbor!

As funny as Paulie is, the show isn’t afraid of reminding us that he is actually a violent psychopath and an unbelievable racist. In this scenario, the show wants us to laugh at Paulie, not with him.

While Tony B is talking about his ambitious Korean boss, Paulie comes in with his incredible advice: “Word to the wise. Remember Pearl Harbor!” Not only does it not make sense, but Paulie confuses Koreans with the Japanese.

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Nathan Sharp
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Nathan Sharp is a writer from outside Toronto, Ontario. He has a love of movies and television, having enjoyed them for more than twenty years. His preferences include drama, action, and horror, with the former being a particular point of interest and fascination.

He also has a love of video games, particularly those of Rockstar.

Whether it be about film, television, or video games, Nathan loves a good discussion and has written hundreds of articles for Screen Rant.

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