10 Funniest Quotes In Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

Thanks to a mix of well-written comedy and unforgettable performances by Steve Martin and John Candy, John Hughes’ Planes, Trains, & Automobiles has become an iconic comedy film. The story of Neal Page and Del Griffith trying to get to Chicago has become the definitive Thanksgiving special.

Much like John Hughes’ other films such as Home Alone and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, it excels by having a plethora of hilariously memorable quotes. Some of these lines were actually pivotal in transforming Planes, Trains & Automobiles into a comedy classic that fans love to quote at Thanksgiving.

“Because I’ve Been With Del Griffith.”

One of the little-known Planes, Trains, & Automobiles behind-the-scene facts is that Steve Martin and John Candy were not the original choices for their roles. This is especially surprising considering how well they play the characters. The hotel scene establishes Neal and Del perfectly. After what Neal Page had gone through from New York City to Wichita, nobody can blame him for snapping at Del in the hotel room.

Steve Martin really excels at showing his anger, mocking Del for his storytelling, “For days, I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “Cause I’ve been with Del Griffith. I can take anything.” Harsh but he’s not entirely wrong either.

“Do You Think So?”

After the rough night in the hotel, Neal and Del share breakfast together which seems to go well until Neal discovers his money is gone. The two argue about whether or not Del stole the money until Neal investigates Del’s wallet which is also empty.

Del is obviously shocked so he looks at his wallet and says the obvious, “We’ve been robbed!” Leading to Neal turning to Del and mockingly asking, “Do you think so?” It’s another scene that shows the great chemistry between Steve Martin and the late John Candy.

“Kindness?”

Due to a bit of confusion, Del and Neal accidentally swap credit cards. Neal learns this when Del reveals that the rental car they were watching burn was paid for with his credit card. What was a joyful laugh between friends leads to Neal angrily accusing Del of theft and going on a rant.

Del explains that he thought Neal put the card in his wallet. That bombshell makes Neal squeal the words, “Why would I put it there?!?” Leading to Del responding with, “Kindness?” Neal obviously doesn’t take that well so he continues to freak out, “Kindness?!? Kindness?!? You stole it!” It almost sounds like Neal is barely clinging to his sanity in what is a funny moment for viewers, at least.

“I’ve Been Wearing The Same Underwear Since Tuesday.”

After their car was set ablaze, Neal and Del stop at a hotel but unfortunately lack any money as all of Neal’s cards were nothing more than burnt squares. So obviously the hotel clerk, who some might recognize as the lawyer from Jurassic Park, declines a request for a room.

Neal then begs in the most pain-stricken way possible, “Please. Have mercy. I’ve been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.” The look of anguish on Steve Martin’s face is almost too real but then Del backs him up by saying, “I can vouch for that,” which adds to the hilarity of the moment.

“Her First Baby? Came Out Sideways.”

Neal and Del meet all sorts of strange characters. One of them is a country truck driver named Owen played by Dylan Baker. Some might recognize Baker as the man destined to become the Lizard, Dr. Curt Connors, from the Sam Raimi Spider-Man trilogy. Baker’s character forces his wife to get out of the truck to make her carry Del’s large case.

When the two offer to politely let them handle it, Owen states, “She don’t mind. She’s short and skinny, but she’s strong. Her first baby – come out sideways. She didn’t scream or nothin’.” It’s just such a strange anecdote that leads to a perfect reaction from both of the protagonists.

“Those Aren’t Pillows!”

John Candy delivers one of Planes, Trains, & Automobiles’ best quotes after Neal has his rant in the hotel and the two go back to sleep. When they awake the next morning, the pair are cuddling like lovers and Del even kisses Neal’s ear. They are both a little confused by their situation, Neal asking why Del kissed his ear.

Del then asks why Neal is holding his hand. No answer again because Neal then asks, “Where’s your other hand?” Del responds with, “Between two pillows.” Neal realizes where the hand actually is and yells, “Those aren’t pillows!” They both leap out of bed in disgust before acting extra macho to try to tone down the awkwardness in a hilarious way.

“Six Bucks And My Left Nut Says We’re Not Going To Be Landing In Chicago.”

The audience knows that Neal is not going to get to Chicago on time, otherwise, there wouldn’t be a movie. Del seems to be aware of it too since while on the flight from New York City, Del wakes up to immediately say, “Six bucks and my left nut says we’re going to be landing in Chicago.”

John Candy was always an expert in delivery and timing; this scene is a perfect example of that. Not only is the line funny but it’s combined with the fact that Del goes from sleeping to staring at Neal eye-to-eye in the most deadpan serious manner that makes it even funnier.

“If I Wanted A Joke, I’d Follow You Into The John And Watch You Take A Leak.”

Neal has already been broken by his bad luck so he’s ready to snap at anyone, even those that are bigger and stronger than him. This includes a taxi manager who is not even being all that rude, he simply suggests that Neal try the airlines for a faster trip and a free meal.

So, Neal being the angry and foolish man that he is decides to come back at the man with, “If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.” Was this unnecessary on Neal’s part? Probably, but it is a humorous burn that helps teach one of Planes, Trains, & Automobiles‘ most important life lessons – that lashing out at everyone is not helpful.

“Do You Have Any Idea How Glad I’d Be If You Had?”

Del saves Neal from the wrath of the taxi manager but Del tells the man to lift Neal up and, much to Neal’s anguish, he does. He grabs Neal by his testicles but the camera cuts to Neal and Del driving down the road with Neal in pain in a scene that helps solidify Neal as one of Steve Martin’s best characters.

The scene is already a funny one but it gets better when Del asks, “Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn’t kill you?” Neal then immediately responds in a helium high-pitched voice, “Do you have any idea how glad I’d be if you had?” It’s so unexpected and that’s what helps make the scene, and that particular line, provide so many laughs.

“I Want A F*cking Car. Right. F*cking. Now.”

The majority of Planes, Trains, & Automobiles is actually quite tame and would have probably gotten away with a PG or PG-13 rating. But, thanks to one scene at the rental car service, the movie was given an R rating. That’s because Neal lets out all his rage on a clerk and delivers seventeen consecutive F-bombs.

The whole rant is hilarious to watch with Neal demanding any kind of automobile to get him to Chicago. It’s the final sentence, however, that brings it home, “I want a f*cking car. Right. F*cking. Now.” At this point, Neal has lost his mind which makes it funnier when the sweet little clerk tells him, “You’re f*cked.”

About The Author