Family Guy: Stewie’s 5 Funniest Quotes (& Brian’s 5 Funniest)

Arguably the two most popular Family Guy characters are Stewie and Brian. Stewie was the breakout character who earned the show its early ratings and Brian’s death sparked widespread outrage from the fan base. Although Brian was originally conceived as Peter’s sidekick, he makes a better foil for Stewie – especially in the “Road to…” episodes.

Across more than two decades of the show’s on-and-off run (it’s been canceled a couple of times along the way), Brian and Stewie have traversed the multiverse, the spacetime continuum, and even stepped outside the realm of reality. Naturally, they have some pretty memorable quotes.

10 Stewie: “You Know, The Novel You’ve Been Working On…”

In the early seasons of Family Guy, there was a running joke about Brian working on a novel that he was seemingly never going to finish. Stewie would occasionally ask him about “that novel you’ve been working on” with an increasingly high-pitched tone.

This joke has since evolved. Brian finished the book, Faster Than the Speed of Love, and Carter published it, but it sold zero copies on release.

9 Brian: “Hey, This Isn’t The Kenny Chesney Concert.”

When Brian becomes an idiot, Stewie misses his faux intellectuality and tries to bring some culture back into his life. He keeps using the same trick – telling him it’s a Kenny Chesney concert – to get him to go to places.

Every time they get there, he’s surprised. He says, “Hey, this isn’t the Kenny Chesney concert!” He continually embarrasses Stewie, like having a pizza delivered to the opera.

8 Stewie: “I Ate A Dime Once. It Became A Manhole Cover For Like Three Days, Then Pow!”

Stewie may be smart enough to invent time travel, but he’s as susceptible to choking hazards as any other baby. He choked on an unsliced grape and one of Rupert’s eyes when it popped off, and also jammed a crayon so far up his nose that he couldn’t feel it anymore.

In one episode, he tells a gruesome story about accidentally eating a coin: “I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!”

7 Brian: “You’re Like All The Worst Parts Of A Girlfriend.”

Brian summed up his relationship with Stewie pretty well when he said, “You’re like all the worst parts of a girlfriend.” Stewie is constantly trying to get Brian to better himself and judging his drinking, but he doesn’t get any of the perks of a girlfriend because Stewie is a male baby.

The closest they came to actually dating was when Stewie impregnated himself with Brian’s hybrid babies in one of Family Guy’s darkest episodes.

6 Stewie: “Well, I’d Love To Stay And Chat, But You’re A Total B****.”

Most of Stewie’s love interests are male, but he’s had a couple of relationships with girls. One such female love interest was Olivia, a prodigious child actor he met at a performing school.

Although they eventually start dating, they initially hate each other. When Stewie bids Olivia farewell, he says, “Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total b*tch.”

5 Brian: “Peter, Those Aren’t Your Kids. That’s The Nick At Nite Line-Up.”

While Brian undoubtedly found his perfect match in Stewie, it’s hard not to miss the days when he was the voice of reason to Peter’s anarchy. When Lois has a pregnancy scare in an early episode, Peter says, “We can’t afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley…”

Brian replies, “Peter, those aren’t your kids. That’s the Nick at Nite line-up.” Peter says, “Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda…” “That’s Street Fighter.” “Red, blue, green…” “Those are colors.”

4 Stewie: “Go… Away… Fat Man.”

When the Griffins head down to the pool, Stewie sits beside it and catches some rays, because he can’t swim – and he has no intention of learning how.

Peter comes over while Stewie is sunbathing and offers to teach him how to swim. Without looking up, the baby bluntly says, “Go… away… fat man.”

3 Brian: “Are You Sure It Was A Book? Are You Sure It Wasn’t *Nothing*?”

When Peter mentions a book he read, Brian dryly asks him, “Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t *nothing*?” As it turns out, it was nothing.

Later seasons would reveal that Brian isn’t as well-read as he likes to make out, but he’s certainly read more books than Peter (not counting the one episode in which Peter was smart).

2 Stewie: “You Gonna Gimme My Money!? Where’s My Money, Man!?”

When Stewie becomes a bookie and takes a wager from Brian that Mike Tyson would win his celebrity boxing match against Carol Channing, Brian thinks he’ll make some easy money. But Channing refuses to go down and Tyson gets so exhausted that he passes out, make Channing technically the victor.

Stewie spends the rest of the episode chasing up his money, as Brian doesn’t have the cash to pay him, and while he’s mercilessly beating him, he repeatedly says, “Where’s my money!? You gonna gimme my money!? Where’s my money, man!?”

1 Brian: “If There Was A God, Would He Give You A Smokin’ Hot Mom Like Lois And Then Have You Grow Up Looking Like Peter?”

When Meg is bedridden with the mumps and given an old TV with a limited number of stations, she becomes obsessed with Kirk Cameron’s religious programming and before too long, she’s a devout Christian attending church services and book burnings.

Brian, as a staunch atheist, is desperate to convince Meg to follow the same path. He reasons, “If there was a God, would he give you a smokin’ hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?”

About The Author

Ben Sherlock
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Ben Sherlock is a writer, comedian, independent filmmaker, and Burt Reynolds enthusiast. He writes lists for Screen Rant and features and reviews for Game Rant. He’s currently in pre-production on his first feature (and has been for a while, because filmmaking is expensive). You can catch him performing standup at odd pubs around the UK that will give him stage time. Previously, he wrote for Taste of Cinema, Comic Book Resources, and BabbleTop.

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