Gremlins: The 10 Most Hilarious Quotes From The 1984 Film

With confirmation of a new (yet delayed) Gremlins 3 movie in production, fans of the comedy/horror franchise have reason to rejoice. It’s been decades since they were introduced to the adorable little Mogwai known as Gizmo, not to mention his less-than-savory offspring. The classic 1984 film was followed up with an equally funny (and very different) sequel in 1990, before going into cold storage.

The first Gremlins film broke new ground in several ways, some of them very controversial. It was one of the few films that would lead to the creation of the PG-13 rating due to its gore and violence. Yet, for all its wicked humor and bleak tone, Gremlins was, and is, a riot to watch. Here are some of the funniest quotes from this satirical dark comedy.

10 [Gerald] “Hey Kate, You Haven’t Seen My New Apartment.” [Kate] “I Haven’t Seen Your OLD Apartment.”

Nothing is worse than dealing with an arrogant superior at work, and Gerald Hopkins certainly took the cake. This young hotshot climbed the ladder in his small town of Kingston Falls and thought he was ready for the big leagues. Unfortunately, he got too big for his britches, too fast.

In an attempt to one-up Billy Peltzer, Gerald openly hit on Kate Beringer at the bar she worked at during weeknights. He started out with a rather assuming line, before Kate fired back a reply that made Billy smirk with amusement.

9 “You Should Just Buy Orange Juice In Cartons. It’s A Lot Easier.”

Billy’s father Randall was an inventor who’s reach far exceeded his grasp. His attempt to make life easier through the wonders of technological innovation ended up making it way more difficult. Case in point – his Peltzer Juicer. This monstrosity of a kitchen utensil was straightforward in concept, but a disaster in the real world.

When Billy awakes the morning after receiving Gizmo as a Christmas present, he fires up the juicer, causing a kitchen catastrophe. Pete Fountaine showed up to survey the carnage, muttering this blunt, funny and applicable observation.

8 “You Got…You Gotta’ Watch Out For Them Foreigners, Cuz’ They Plant Gremlins In Their Machinery!”

Mr. Futterman fired up when he was kicked gently out of Kate’s bar on Christmas after having one too many. The character is intentionally played as highly xenophobic, giving audiences a good reason to laugh at him and his deplorable beliefs. In this scene, he started hilariously remarking about “Gremlins” planted in the machinery, which is akin to ridiculous conspiracy theories as chem-trails and a flat earth.

Futterman’s particular conspiracy theory was even more laughable, but it must have come as quite a shock later in the film when Gremlins commandeered his trusty plow and drove it straight through the front of his house. It’s doubtful he expected his conspiracy to take on such a hideous form.

7 [Roy] “This Is A Cocoon, And Inside He’s Going Through Changes. Lots Of Changes.” [Pete] “Like My Mother.”

Pete Fountaine and Billy Peltzer were good friends, and he was there when Billy first got Gizmo as a Christmas present. He immediately wanted one of his own, especially when he found out that Mogwai multiply if they’re exposed to water. However, that quickly changed when he discovered just how nasty the offspring could be.

It got worse when Billy brought Gizmo to school teacher Roy Hanson to run some experiments on his physiology. Overnight, the Mogwai had a go at his sandwich and became encased in a cocoon. Roy attempted to explain the pupal stage to Pete, only to get a hilarious reply in return.

6 [Brent] “Let Me Drive.” [Frank] “No, You’re Drunk.” [Brent] “You Always Get To Drive!” [Frank] “Because I’m The Sheriff, A******!”

Few things are as despicable as drunk drivers, but that goes double when it’s the local police. Triple, if you’re the Sheriff. Kingston Falls’ relatively quiet and uneventful small town life meant very little, if any crime – a perfect breeding ground for complacency. Christmas Eve saw Sheriff Frank and his Deputy Brent get into the eggnog while still on the job.

Unfortunately, all Hell broke loose in the small town that same night when Gremlins invaded and turned it upside down. After Murray Futterman reported that his plow was driven through his house, the two set out to investigate while still half in the bag.

5 “Christmas Carolers. I Hate Christmas Carolers. Screechy-Voiced Little Glue Sniffers!”

Ruby Deagle serves as the film’s human antagonist, and that’s putting it mildly. This uber-cruel character took great delight in belittling, swindling, and hurting other people. Outside of the comfort of her home, Deagle was a horrid person that anyone would cross the street to avoid.

Behind closed doors, however, she softened a bit in her own company (and that of her beloved cats). However, she met an untimely end when Gremlins started singing Christmas carols in front of her door, prompting this hilariously awful quote before she opened the door to the horrors on the other side.

4 “Now I Have Another Reason To Hate Christmas.”

Gremlins is very much a dark comedy in every sense of the word. The tone is ominous, and the humor, while a big part of the film, is incredibly wicked. Nowhere does this become more apparent than the infamous scene where Kate Beringer finally reveals to Billy why she hates Christmas.

It all starts off with this quote after Billy and Kate discover that Gremlins have overrun the town. Kate then goes on to tell a story so absolutely terrible and morbid that one cannot help but laugh at the sheer horror of it. It’s a mind-bogglingly nihilistic scene that compliments the rest of the film… somehow.

3 “They’re Watching Snow White. And They Love It!”

The frightening Gremlins were chaos incarnate, and they wasted no time in turning Kingston Falls into a hedonistic war zone. Nothing was off the table, from substance abuse, arson, vandalism, murder, and yes…even suicide. The Gremlins lived fast, and usually died young, at least from their physiological perspective.

This made the final scene so hilarious to watch. Billy and Kate end up tracking the Gremlins to the town’s local movie theater where, for some inexplicable reason, they sat riveted in their seats to a big-screen showing of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Billy couldn’t help but express what the audience was thinking as the Gremlins sang along to the popular tunes from the film.

2 “You Teach Him To Watch Television?”

When the chaos of the gremlin horde had abated, and Stripe dissolved into a puddle of offensive green goo, it seemed like things would finally go back to normal, relatively speaking. The town was a mess, and news of the onslaught had begun infiltrating news stations across the country.

It was then that Mr. Wing showed up at the Peltzer household to reclaim Gizmo and take him away. While the portrayal of the character is unfortunately indicative of vestigial Asian stereotypes of the time period, his reasoning and wisdom was spot on. Mr. Wing realized that their irresponsibility led to a catastrophe, despite his warnings. Beyond that, he was also mortified to learn that the Peltzers allowed Gizmo to be exposed to television, prompting this funny quote.

1 “Smokeless Ashtray. Man At Gas Station Tried To Sell Me.”

Randall Peltzer couldn’t catch a break. The hapless inventor had great ideas, but he couldn’t make them a reality without the prototypes breaking immediately, or soon thereafter. He even thought about merchandising multiplied Mogwai and selling them to kids as Christmas gifts, which thankfully didn’t pan out.

As a gesture of apology to Mr. Wing for allowing things to get out of control, Randall gave him a Smokeless Ashtray prototype as a gift. Mr. Wing didn’t seem surprised, recognizing it instantly. Nevertheless, he accepted it, claiming that he was sure it would come in useful…somehow.

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